Walls
by UKnowSynMakesUWannaScream
Summary: Finished Matt turns to drugs to deal with his stress. Can his friends save him?
1. Walls chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE (damn!)  
  
He had to get away from them. It was all too much. There was no dealing with it, not with the way they weren't looking at him, or the way they weren't speaking to him. It wasn't his fault, was it? He hadn't meant it, had he? Maybe he had. He just didn't know. He just knew he hated himself. There was nothing about himself he could live with. They were all right. They hated him now, and he agreed. He glanced at Adam and he averted his eyes. Mental nod, he couldn't even look at him. His own best friend hated him. He couldn't take it anymore; ht couldn't take their non-stares. He slipped away, knowing that they wouldn't come after him. Why look for someone who shouldn't even exist?  
  
He found a bathroom and drifted inside. Cold in here. Smelled like perfume. No matter, who cared? He shut himself into one of the stalls and locked the door. Déjà vu. He'd done this before. Who cared? He dug into his pocket, pulled out two crumpled plastic baggies, and sat down. For the slightest moment, the thought "don't do this" flashed through his mind, barely registered and nowhere near enough to make him stop.  
  
He dumped the contents of the baggies, about two dozen colored tablets and capsules, into his hand, and stopped for a moment, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He mumbled to himself for a moment, perhaps a prayer, and then tipped the tabs into his mouth. He chewed them, swallowed, and sat back, eyes dull. Beyond fear, beyond tears, numb. Waiting. Soon nausea set in and he fought it, he wasn't going to let himself throw tem up. Soon enough it faded, and he began to drift. His last clear impression was the smell of cheap perfume.  
  
He woke up slowly, in stages, slipping from dreams to reality almost imperceptibly. He wasn't really sure when he finally woke up. He just gradually became aware that he was. Clear thought was still beyond him. He was perceiving things in stills. "White," he thought. "Everything's white." The thought didn't connect to anything. He was warm and things were white. He let it be for a little while, not really thinking, and not really waking up any further. He didn't remember anything yet. Things were white. Memory suddenly crashed in on him. Unprepared for the flood or pain, he cried out, and then dissolved into tears, completely unable to cope. Why hadn't they just let him die? His outcry had brought people, and in some faraway corner of his mind, he felt their hands on him, heard their voices, but they belonged elsewhere. They couldn't help him. They couldn't take this away from him. At the mercy of his mind, he never felt the prick of a needle, or noticed when oblivion reached out and took him.  
  
The thing in his arm hurt. He was glad; he deserved it. They told him he was dehydrated, and that he needed the thing, and they went out of their way to make it less painful. He wished they wouldn't. He didn't deserve their consideration. Certainly his friends didn't think so; he hadn't even seen them. He stared up at the ceiling, wondering how it could have come to this. He'd never dreamed......  
  
~six weeks previous~ Matt wondered aimlessly down the hall. He wasn't sure where he was going. He just didn't want to be shut in the room anymore. It had been a long day, and he was tired, but nowhere near unwound enough for sleep. Adam was laid up with a migraine, and had asked Matt to keep the TV off, as well as the light, so he couldn't even read. He smiled to himself, his thoughts ironic. "Here's a thing, I'm reduced to wandering the halls for lack of anything else to do. Such an exciting life I'm leading. Ha." He'd been by the front desk about six times, and the woman behind it was beginning to look at him oddly. He grinned at her on his way by, and she shook her head, then went back to her paperwork. Matt laughed a little. "Bet she thinks I'm nuts."  
  
He began his third swing through the third floor corridor when an idea hit him. He and Adam were good friends with Jay, a coworker. Really, Adam was more his friend than Matt's, but they both spent a fair amount of time in Jay's room watching movies, talking music, and hanging out. Matt had never gone there on his own; he usually tagged along with Adam, but he figured he didn't have much to lose. At worst, he'd have to keep wandering the halls, at best, maybe he could check out a movie.  
  
He jogged back to the front desk, and waited for the clerk to look up. When a few minutes had gone by, and she continued to steadfastly ignore him, he reached out and tapped her arm. "Excuse me?" She glance up, annoyed. She was about sick of looking at him. Her eyebrows raised, she waited to hear whatever it was he thought he had to say to her.  
  
Matt smiled engagingly at her, hoping to thaw her out some. She looked about ready to bite his head off. "I'm sorry, I don't mean to bother you, but can you tell me where Jay Reso's room is?" She crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Don't you think it's a little late for you to be running around to people's rooms?" He laughed. "Nope, we specialize in night work. Trust me, he's up. Please, will you tell me what room he' s in?"  
  
He smiled so winningly that she had no choice but to laugh. She looked up the room number, handed it to him, and shook her head, as she watched him run off down the hall.  
  
Matt's soft knock was answered by a friendly "It's open." He laughed, thinking that one day Jay was gonna get walked in on by god only knew who, and let himself in.  
  
"Hey Matt," Jay's friendly greeting boosted his spirits, which had been at a low. He nodded a greeting, "You busy?" Jay laughed, "Hell no, just trying to figure out which of these ridiculously overpriced pay per view movies to watch. C'mon in and help me pick one out." Matt smiled and plopped himself down on the bed, next to Jay. He glanced at the list in Jay's hand and shrugged. "Hey, whatever you want. I don't care." Jay growled at him, "a lot of good you are. Okay, but I don't want to hear that you don't like it." He programmed in his choice and settled back. "Hey where's Adam?" Matt frowned, and shook his head with a sigh, "He's got another headache, bad one, too. Made him really sick. He kinda kicked everybody out."  
  
Jay's cheerful expression fell, replaced by one of concern. "Another one? Matt that's not good, is anyone doing anything about this?" Matt nodded, "yeah, we've all been checked over. I guess everybody's okay. They said it was stress." Jay snorted, "Stress, yeah, that's what they say when what they mean is 'duh, I dunno'."  
  
Matt snickered, "That's what his mom said too. They gave some of us this, though." He pulled a small bottle from his pocket and handed it to Jay, who read the label with an appreciative whistle, "Valium? Wow, you must be stressed. Good stuff. A hundred million housewives can't be wrong." Matt only smiled faintly. Jay shook his head, "Never mind. Is it helping?" Matt shrugged, "I don't know, not really, it doesn't seem to make much difference. Just makes me a little spacey. I don't take it that much." Jay playfully socked Matt on the arm. "Whatcha got to be stressed about, man? Really, what's a fifteen-hour workday? We all do it. You're young and strong, get over it all ready. And if." He read the prescription bottle, "one tablet every six hours as needed, doesn't work, try two." He handed the bottle back to Matt, who laughed for a moment, but his good humor faded quickly, and he looked at Jay wide eyed and serious. "You have no idea, you know. You really don't have any idea what's been going on." "What has been going on, Matt?"  
  
Jay was concerned. Between Adam's headaches that took him completely off his feet, and Matt never sleeping, the guys were running on a ragged edge. Everyone in the Federation knew it, but nobody know what the problem was, or how to stop it. He hoped Matt would talk to him. He genuinely liked the guy. Now really looking at him for the first time in weeks, he was alarmed. Matt looked like he'd lost quite a bit of weight, and face was pale, with purplish circles under his eyes. He seemed a little shaky, and now that he thought about it, he'd seemed like that quite a lot recently. His brows knit, as he scrutinized his friend. God alone knew how much longer they were going to be out here, he hoped they could hold up. He tapped Matt's hand, "Talk to me, Matt, what's going on? What's upsetting you?" Matt sighed. "I don't know really, I'm just tired all the time. And really sick of not being able to go anywhere or do anything. This is kinda like being in jail."  
  
Jay's eyes widened. He wouldn't have thought that. "Matt, we're seeing the world! How is that like jail?" Matt's laugh was bitter, "We aren't seeing anything but the insides of airports, vans, arenas, and hotels. Don't give me that." He was starting to look distressed, and Jay wasn't sure what he should do about it. "You love the job don't you Matt?" Matt nodded, "Yes! Oh yes! But I guess maybe I just want to be able to.don't know. Ignore me." He laughed a little and turned his attention to the TV. Jay followed his lead and settled back, dropping the conversation. He had actually started to drift off, and hour or so later, when a sudden gasp from Matt yanked him awake. 


	2. Walls chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE (damn!)  
  
He looked at the man beside him and jumped to his feet in alarm. Matt's face had gone completely white with hectic red fever spots on his cheeks. He seemed to be having trouble catching his breath and his whole body was trembling.  
  
Not at all sure what was wrong, Jay reached out and turned Matt's face up to his. "Tell me what's wrong, Matt, c'mon." He was worried. Matt's eyes were wild and he was sweating. Getting no response and afraid the man was really sick, he took him by the arms and gave him a little shake. "Matt!! You have to tell me what's wrong!! Now!" Matt pushed him away and climbed off the bed nearly falling in the process. His legs too shaky to hold him, Jay caught him and held onto him, despite Matt's struggles to free himself. "Matt, ya gotta calm down! It's just me! Now what is going on?!"  
  
Matt didn't answer him but he stopped fighting and let Jay hold him up. He was panting now and Jay was afraid he'd pass out if he didn't stop. He sat the man back down on the bed and cautiously let him go. Looking at him more carefully, he became convinced that the cause was fat from physical. Matt looked scared out of his mind. He vaguely remembered someone saying something about one of the guys having a panic attack, and his eyes widened. "Matt, is this an anxiety attack? Has this happened to you before?" He knelt in front of him. "Look at me, Matt, is that what this is?"  
  
Matt managed to nod, he was gripping his hair in both hands, and Jay reached up to stop him, afraid he'd rip it out. "Matt, it's gonna stop. You have to calm down."  
  
Matt nodded again, but showed no sign of letting up. Jay watched him for a few minutes, turning something over in his head. He wasn't sure about it, but it seemed a shame to let his friend suffer like this. Hoping he wasn't about to get himself arrested or fired, he pulled out a duffel bag and removed a small box. From it he took a tiny clay pipe and a plastic baggie. He filled the pipe with some of what was in the baggie and brought it over to Matt. He lit the pipe and sat next to Matt. "I know you don't smoke. I know you don't do anything, but I want you to do this now. This is gonna make you feel better. I promise."  
  
Matt nodded frantically. He felt like he was dying. His head was spinning, he could barely breathe, and his whole body was tingling. He barely saw what Jay was holding for him. All he knew was that if it didn't stop soon he would die.  
  
Jay lit the pipe and held it for him. "It's gonna make you cough, Matt, cause you don't smoke, but breathe in as much of this as you can and hold on to it for as long as you can. It won't hurt you, I promise, and it will stop that." Matt did as he was asked, and Jay was surprised that he didn't immediately start to choke. "He's a natural," he thought with a laugh. He waited a minute or two and instructed Matt. "Do it again now and then that's enough." Matt did and Jay took the pipe away. He didn't want to fry his brains. He was relieved to note, however, that Matt's breathing had slowed down considerably and the trembling was letting up. He put the pipe away and prayed he'd done the right thing.  
  
Matt drew on the pipe Jay was holding out and was almost immediately dizzier. For a minute he was scared but Jay was right there promising him it was okay. He trusted Jay enough to take another pull from the pipe when asked, even though somewhere in his mind he was pretty sure he knew what was in it. Within a very few minutes the adrenaline surging through his body backed off and he began to be able to breathe again. He could fell the fear draining out of him and very nearly cried with relief. This had been so bad he'd barely been able to answer anything Jay had said to him. He had really thought he would die. He looked up at Jay and began to smile. Jay looked flat and somewhat two-dimensional, almost like a drawing of Jay instead of the actual person. The thought stuck him as funny and he began to laugh. Jay smile back, "what's so funny, Matt?" Matt couldn't for the life of him wipe the smile off his face even though he felt like a goof. "You are. You look funny." Jay nodded, "I'm sure I do. Do you feel better?" Matt didn't answer, just rolled his eyes and shrugged. Jay laughed but it was nervous laughter. Matt was wasted. He pushed him back onto the bed and told him firmly, "I want you to go to sleep until it wears off. We'll talk when you wake up."  
  
Matt giggled. "I can't go to sleep here. Jeff will wonder where I am." He didn't appear to be particularly worried about it, however, Jay nodded. "I'm calling him now and telling him you're crashed out over here. Now shut up and close your eyes." Matt was feeling more relaxed but Jay sure wasn't. He wished he hadn't done this, but god, the poor guy. He watched Matt trying to comply and go to sleep but he kept bursting into laughter. Jay had to laugh, at least he was happy.  
  
~present day~ Matt turned over onto his side struggling to find a comfortable position. Seemed that no matter what he did something still hurt. His head, his eyes, his stomach, more than that though, there was a deeper pain. A pain he thought might be his soul. All this because he'd wanted to feel better. His eyelids closed finally, but even sleep didn't stop the rush of memory. It followed him down into dreams.  
  
~five weeks previous~ Matt pulled the door shut behind him. For a moment, standing on the railed walkway looking down over the pool, he was confused. It had become a pretty regular thing for him, heading over to Jay's room after work, but he found himself missing his brother a little. Jeff's comment as he left today: "Matt, I sure don't see you much lately." It had him thinking. Maybe he should just hang here today. They could go done to the pool, just have some fun. But no he was all ready irritable and tired. If he hung around he'd just start snapping at people and end up in a fight. Might just be better off over at Jay's. at least there he wouldn't have to put up such a front. Especially since Adam and Jeff had gotten so wrapped up in working out that they never really went to Jay's room anymore. Boring, all they ever did was work.  
  
Sighing a little, Matt headed down the stairs. Jay's room was all the way down and around the back. For the life of him, he couldn't figure out why they stuck him as far away as they did. Made for a long walk.  
  
He jumped off the bottom step, skirted the pool, and trotted around back, counting doors as he went, lightly tapping on each as he hurried by. He knew it was probably annoying to the people in the rooms but he just couldn't bring himself to care. This was their first night here and nervous and jumpy he was anxious to find Jay's room. He counted down and came to the one Jay had told him, second from the end, wondering why he hadn't just given him the room number. There had been a reason for that, he knew, but he couldn't quite remember what it was. It seemed he had a lot of trouble remembering things lately. Well, whatever it was he'd found the room. He knocked and opened the door, hearing Jay's familiar "Hey, Matt," from the sitting room. The stepped inside, chained the door, and padded into the sitting room where he found Jay slouched on the sofa in front of the TV. "Hey, Jay." He plopped down onto the couch in much the same position as his friend and settled back with sigh. Jay smiled and reached under the couch bringing out a small tray. He glanced in Matt's direction. "You doing okay?" Matt nodded, indifferent, watching absently as Jay deftly set things up. "I guess so. I'm tired."  
  
Jay continued speaking and Matt grunted, only vaguely aware that Jay was even speaking. He'd taken it upon himself to up his medication dose and was only vaguely aware of most things lately and right now he was even further distracted by Jay's preparations. He reached out and quickly accepted the lighter and the joint Jay was holding out to him. With a grateful sigh, he relaxed into the couch cushions and flicked the lighter.  
  
~present day~ Waking up was disagreeable. He felt terrible. They'd told him to expect it. "Matt, you're not a drug addict. You're not going to have any real withdrawal problems but stopping this suddenly can cause side affect." Side affects? If he blinked his eyes, he was seasick. He glanced around and his eyes lit on Adam sitting across the room. For just a moment the pain in his heart faded but the moment was brief. Adam was watching him, expressionless, and there was no hint of warmth or affection. Matt sighed bitterly. It was no more than he deserved, he supposed. Nausea slammed in with a vengeance and he grabbed for the basin on the bedside table. He couldn't reach it and Adam was on his feet in a second handing it to him. No help or comfort there though. He went back to his chair and watched his friend struggling with sickness. When Matt could finally look up again, Adam was gone. Well, he hadn't treated him very well. He guessed it was only fair.  
  
~four weeks previous~ Adam sighed and leaned his head against the wall in the elevator, his eyes closed. He couldn't believe they were making him play babysitter running after Matt.  
  
Matt had told everyone that he would meet them in lobby in a minute, and after ten minutes the group had elected Adam to go fetch him so they weren't late for their photo shoot.  
  
The elevator dinged, signaling that it had stopped on the fifth floor. Adam opened his eyes and stepped out the door into the hallway. He walked absently running his fingers over the gaudy lavender wallpaper the hotel had decorated its halls in. As he approached room 532, he saw the door was slightly ajar. He heard rustling noises from inside. He slowed down and when he reached the room he paused listening. He crinkled his brow and quietly pushed the door open a tad more and peered inside. It was Matt. He was rummaging around by Adam's bed. Adam frowned. He couldn't see what Matt was doing from his angle so he silently stepped into the room. Matt didn't appear to notice him. He was still to involved in his search. Adam walked in a little further and then stopped. Matt was definitely rummaging through something. That something was Adam's bag.  
  
"Matt, what are you doing?"  
  
Matt spun around putting the bag behind his back.  
  
"Adam! Oh." Matt seemed flustered.  
  
"Yeah, oh? What's that you've got?"  
  
"Uhh, nothing. I was just...." He trailed off.  
  
Adam just stared at him. He couldn't believe that Matt would violate his privacy like this.  
  
"Matt, why are you in my bag?" He gave Matt a pointed look.  
  
"Well, I uh, I didn't think that you'd mind.."  
  
Adam suddenly noticed an orange bottle clutched in Matt's fist. "What's this?"  
  
Matt glanced at the bottle in his hand. "Well, see, I ran out, so I thought.you know, it's the same thing, that you wouldn't mind if I got one off of you."  
  
"Don't you think you should ask me first? You can't just take those things like they're aspirins you know put them back."  
  
"Adam, come on, you don't understand. I ran out."  
  
"Well, tell the doctor and you can get more."  
  
Matt gave him a pleading look. "Adam!"  
  
Adam just shook his head. "What's up with you, Matt? Look at you! What's your problem? Just put them back."  
  
Matt replaced his pleading look with one of disgust. "What's up with me? What's up with you?"  
  
"What the. just put my stuff back into my bag."  
  
"Look, it's exactly the same thing I take. And I am supposed to take it now but I'm out. What's the big deal? I'll tell the doctor but I'm not supposed to skip. You know that! I'm supposed to take them on time!"  
  
Adam couldn't believe that Matt was acting like this. It was just a pill after all. The doctor had said to only take them when they were needed. He sighed. "It is exactly the same..right?"  
  
"Yes!" Matt was exasperated.  
  
Suddenly Adam narrowed his eyes and glared at Matt. "How come you're already out? You can't be out that fast."  
  
"God, I don't know I just am!" Matt interrupted.  
  
"Matt! We got them at the same time! In fact." Adam trailed off remembering the hassle Matt had put them through just a week ago when he was hysterical because he had left his prescription at the last hotel. "You just got new ones last week because you forgot them at the last hotel. The bottle is supposed to last us four weeks. How can you be out already?" He gave Matt an accusing look.  
  
"I just ran out, geez." Matt looked at the floor.  
  
"Matt! How much of this stuff are you taking?"  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"What do I mean? I mean how many of these pills are you taking a day? You're way out of it lately. You sleep all the time. Matt, you can't just take those whenever you feel like it!"  
  
"They're for my nerves right?" Matt looked up at Adam.  
  
"Yeah, so?"  
  
"Well, I only take them when something, or someone," he gave Adam a pointed look, "gets on my nerves."  
  
"Matt, you."  
  
"LOOK!" Adam just stared at Matt. "The doctor gave them to me! I'm not out buying them on some street corner!" 


	3. Walls chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE (damn!)  
  
Adam walked back down the hall to Jeff's room. His head was spinning. He and Matt had always been so close, but now he couldn't stand the sight of him. It hurt, and it hurt a lot, to feel that way about Matt. As he fell into a chair near Jeff's bed, he let his thoughts wonder.  
  
~one week previous~ Adam was losing his patience. He banged on Matt's door loudly and raised his voice. "Matt, come on!!! For God sake, let me in!!!"  
  
Getting no response, yet again, he rolled his eyes heavenward and kicked the door in disgust. He was sick of this. A week ago Matt had asked for, insisted on, his own room. He's been turned down of course; the 2 of them had always shared a room. Why stop now? He'd argued his case for an entire day, claiming his nerves just couldn't take the commotion that he was having trouble sleeping and didn't want to keep Adam awake all night with him. He'd pointed out that he was frequently sick and that it would disturb him.  
  
Finally he'd gone into hysterics (in Adam's mind, carefully orchestrated hysterics calculated to get him his own way) and he had relented. He had gotten a room connected to Adam and Jeff's. The first move he's made had been to lock the connecting door from his side. He'd more or less refused to let them in ever since.  
  
Hurt that Matt would want to lock them out, Adam and Jeff withdrew into themselves leaving Matt to his seclusion. They talked about him a lot but they drew no real conclusions. Adam knew something was up and he had suspicions about what it was but he really didn't want to involve Jeff so he kept his worries to himself. He considered talking to Vince but the thought, the hope, that he might be wrong kept him silent. He didn't want to cause Matt any trouble that he didn't need.  
  
He sighed deeply now knowing he wasn't going to let him in. They'd fought the night before and Matt was still mad at him. He knew it. He gave the door one last kick and walked dejectedly back into his and Jeff's room. Jeff wasn't there either. Adam flopped down onto the bed utterly miserable. He thought back to the fight he'd had with Matt wondering how he could have handled it differently. It had all started innocently enough.  
  
Adam had noticed the connecting door between the two rooms was open slightly. Surprised that it wasn't locked and sealed shut for all time, he pushed it open gently. His eyes lit on Matt, sprawled out on the bed sound asleep. Shaking his head at the amount of time he spent sleeping and the weird times he chose to do it, he let himself in and crept closer to the bed. He was just reaching out to shake him awake when Matt's eyes flew open and he bolted upright grabbing Adam's wrist.  
  
"What are you doing in here?!" he growled, open hostility evident in his voice. "What do you want?!" The grip on Adam's wrist was painful and he tried to pull away unsuccessfully. He glanced at Matt and for the first time in his life felt fear when he looked into those eyes. Matt barely appeared to recognize him and Adam had never seen such anger. He shrugged helplessly still attempting to pull away. "I don't know." he stumbled over the words. "Your door was open, I wanted to check on you." He shook his head stumbling over his words. "I figured it was okay to come in cause you unlocked the door."  
  
Matt sneered at him. "I can't even sleep without locking myself in?! What is it with you people!" He flung Adam's hand away from him and stood up advancing on Adam who found himself backing up in spite of himself. Matt reached out and poked his index finger none too gently into Adam's chest.  
  
"This is my room! This is my bed! This is my space! You stay out of it unless you're invited." He was backing Adam toward the door intending to shove him out and lock it behind him when something in Adam finally snapped. He'd had enough. Weeks of Mat being erratic and uncontrollable refusing to have anything to do with any of them and shutting him and Jeff out. Added to that all the weird physical stuff sleeping during the day even dozing off during interviews zombie like more often than not and yet there were times when he was bouncing off the walls. Adam new something was wrong and worried as he was he'd just had enough. He stopped backing up and grabbed his wrists hard and pulled him close to him. "Look," his voice was not loud but there was no denying his fury "I have no idea what your problem is but you are not gonna be like this to me. I haven't done a damn thing. What is it you're so worried about me finding, huh?" Matt gazed up at Adam and to Adam's amazement his eyes began to fill up.  
  
"I'm sorry, Adam, okay? I really am. I just don't feel good right now."  
  
Adam nodded curtly. "I'm supposed to believe that?" Matt shrugged and then nodded his head. Adam gestured to the bed. "G o sit down, I have to talk to you."  
  
Matt was scared. He was in no way comfortable about the way he was looking at him. He knew he shouldn't have jumped on him the way he had but he hadn't been able to help it. Come to think of it there were alot of things lately that he hadn't been able to help. He sat down, reluctantly, struggling to keep the anger and defensiveness he could feel rising him from surfacing.  
  
Adam looked at Matt wishing he could believe the tears he saw in his eyes but deep down he knew better. Matt was trying to manipulate him and he knew it. He sat down next to him determined to keep himself calm. He didn't want Matt to think he was being attacked. He took him by the shoulder and gently turned him a little to face him. Pushing away anger he kept his voice quiet. "I want you to tell me what's going on, Matt. Something's really wrong."  
  
Matt shook his head and shook off Adam's hand. "Nothing's wrong. I don't understand why you all think something's wrong."  
  
Adam laughed but there was little humor in it. "You don't? Matt, stop and think about it." Matt wouldn't look him in the eye. "I have been. I really don't know what the problem is."  
  
"Well for one." and at this Adam's eyes darkened and the gentle tone he'd been keeping became a little sharper. "You're stealing my medication. Don't even try to deny it. I never take the stuff and its disappearing right on schedule. Four a day every day. So I know you're taking way too much of that stuff and lying about it for starter." "Really?"  
  
Adam saw Matt's body tensing and knew this wasn't going to go well. Still, Matt wasn't the only one who could dig in his heels. He continued on figuring he really didn't have much to lose. "You're also hanging around down with Jay a lot and when you come back from there your all spacey and stupid and you're eyes are all red and nine times outta ten you just pass right out. I'm not dumb, Matt, I know you're over there getting high just cause I don't do it doesn't mean I don't know it when I see it. By the way, turning on the bathroom fan doesn't help; we can still smell it. That is why you asked for you're own room too, isn't it? Not cause of your nerves, cause you wanted to smoke your dope in peace."  
  
Adam desperately wanted to stop this flow of words and accusations that was pouring out of him but for the life of him he just couldn't. He'd been holding it in too long. This was one of his best friends, and Adam couldn't watch him going down this road any longer. "You never let us in anymore. You've completely shut us out. We can't talk to you. You just brush us off. You barely even say hello anymore. You've never locked me and Jeff out of a room in your life! We hear you in here coughing your head off and getting sick and we cant even get in to help you or see if you're okay!! You pretend we don't exist!"  
  
He was almost shouting now and stopped, taking a deep breath to try to bring himself back down. He didn't want Matt to.well, he didn't know what he didn't want Matt to do, but he felt like he was walking on glass with him. One wrong move and he'd break. Matt was staring at him, eyes wide. For a few moments, more than anything in the world, he wanted to tell him what was going on. He felt horrible out of control of the whole situation and couldn't really find a way to fix it. Adam already knew some of it anyway.but no. If he told Adam, he would tell Vince and then God alone knew what would happen. He sighed, wondering how he'd gotten himself into this.  
  
Adam had managed to calm himself down somewhat but he was having trouble. Part of him just wanted to take Matt and shake him, just scream in his face, "what is wrong with you?! Don't you see what you're doing to yourself?! And us?! Don't you even care?!" He held himself back knowing that it wouldn't do any good and that Matt, in fact, probably didn't care. Probably couldn't care.  
  
He sighed bitterly and took him by the shoulders again not as gently this time forced him to make eye contact and held him there. "Matt, you have to tell me what's going on and it has to stop cause we can't keep going this way. You're coming apart, Matt, and you're taking everyone with you." For a second, he thought he'd gotten through. Matt was staring directly into his eyes and Adam could see the fear and confusion and how badly he wanted to tell someone. But the moment passed and the pleading look was replaced by one of anger. It came so swiftly and so forcefully that Adam never had a chance to back off. Matt's hand came up and hit him in the head hard enough to knock him onto the floor. He looked up at him, head spinning, and managed to scramble out of the way barely in time to avoid getting stomped in the stomach. Seeing Matt was out for blood and out of control, he quickly jumped to his feet and backed away. They stood there eyeing each other. Adam knew just looking at him that if he let him get a hold of him he was going to get hurt. Matt looked insane, his eyes were flashing and he was breathing hard and Adam could see him trembling all over. In the silence that had suddenly sprung up, he could hear little growling sounds coming from Matt. He watched him warily afraid to move or speak. He looked fully capable of murder. Whatever he was doing that was making him act like this, it was way beyond a little grass, Adam realized. Knowing that Matt was more than likely completely irrational, Adam started backing slowly toward the door. He didn't want this to happen. He had nearly made it when Matt suddenly screamed at him, inarticulate and outraged and launched himself at Adam.  
  
Matt's charge and the force of his body hitting Adam drove Adam into the wall. He grabbed Matt by the shirt and the hair and spun him around slamming him into the same wall. It took nearly no effort to hold him there. He was painfully thin and seemed to weigh nothing at all. Adam was horrified but furious. He kept him pinned there, his leg against Matt's, his hand pushing his chest, the other hand gripping the hair on the back of his head. He was so mad he was shaking. "Don't you ever, ever do that to me again, do you understand me?!" He was screaming into Matt's face. "I don't care what you think your problem is. You never, ever try that again cause I will fuck you up!!!" He was punctuating his screams by shoving Matt harder into the wall.  
  
Matt didn't react, just looked at him numbly. All the anger had drained out of him in an instant and he just didn't care. Adam seeing his dull detached look was suddenly overcome by revulsion. He let him go quickly, skin crawling at the thought even of touching him, and stepped back. "You know what, Matt? I don't care. Do what you want. Kill yourself. I don't care. I don't know you." He gave the smaller boy a shove and somewhere inside realized he'd knocked him down but he didn't care. He had to get out of there before he got sick. He slammed out of the door, leaving Matt dazed and defeated, sitting against the wall.  
  
~present day~ Amy and Adam sat watching Matt sleep. Unable to get comfortable after nearly two days sitting in these chairs, Amy finally opted for propping her feet up on his bed. She knew she'd be asked to take them down if one of these battleaxe nurses happened along but she didn't much care. She'd about hit her limit and was ready to just crawl in with him and go to sleep. She watched him thoughtfully, wondering what his dreams were. She hadn't spoken to him since the night they'd come in. Every time she came in here he was asleep. They'd told them that he was fine, but they doubted it. People who are fine, in their opinion, didn't deliberately overdose. Amy's thoughts turned sarcastic. "Must have been all the brightness and joy he couldn't take." she sighed. She knew why he'd tried it. He'd hurt Jeff and he couldn't live with that. She hoped that once his system had cleared, he'd be able to see that it wasn't really him that had hurt Jeff. That he'd been out of control. Still, she wanted him to take responsibility for it. No matter the circumstances, it just wasn't okay and it wouldn't be. Jeff was afraid of him now and she didn't know how to fix that. She'd been told not to try. That it wasn't his problem but these were her best friends and as far as she was concerned, undoing this thing was nobody's problem but hers.  
  
She was comforted somewhat by the fact that both of the guys had reportedly asked about the other and had expressed concern, but neither of them had asked to see the other and there was a debate now as to whether it would be allowed if one of them should. She also had Adam to deal with who'd been alternating between despair over Matt's condition and murderous anger over what he'd done.  
  
Sighing, she pulled her thoughts back to now. Matt was asleep and evidently comfortable. She'd better go back to the ones who were awake and more apt to need her there. She kicked him a little by accident taking her feet down and waited to see if he would wake up but he turned over and continued to sleep. She brushed some hair out of his eyes and kissed his cheek. Whatever he had done, she was sticking with him. She watched him a moment more and then left to go deal with the others. She was nearly out the door when she remembered the note she had for him. She pulled it out of her pocket eyed it dubiously and laid it on his pillow and left the room.  
  
~present day Matt~ He didn't realize he'd fallen asleep until he suddenly found himself awake again. When his eyes opened they lit on a note lying on his pillow. He picked it up struggling to focus his eyes. "Matt, just to let you know, I told them that it wasn't in any way your fault. It was all mine and I thought you should know that too. I'm so sorry if I'd known how this was going to turn out, none of it would have ever happened. Take care, Jay."  
  
Matt lay back against the pillow thinking. He wished he could stop thinking. How was it Jay's fault? Jay hadn't made him do any of it. He thought back, remembering the day it had all started to go out of control. He'd gone over and lit up as usual..  
  
~five weeks previous~ Forty minutes later Matt was feeling mighty fine. His head buzzed pleasantly and the world had taken on a dreamy quality. He sat on the couch half watching half sleeping as Sex and the City played out it's saga on the TV screen. He found he was unable to follow the timeline of the show. Things seemed to be happening in isolated jumps but he didn't really mind. He was too sleepy to care. Jay was in the kitchenette preparing himself a snack. A sudden rapping on the door caused Jay to slightly jump. He glanced nervously at the mess on the table in front of the couch and then shifted his gaze to Matt who seemed to be dozing off.  
  
"Hey, wake up. Company," he called over. Matt looked up confused. "What? Huh? Oh, you want me to leave?" Jay shook his head and headed for the door. "No, you're fine." "Oh, okay," Matt let his head fall back against the couch again. "Just put that stuff up would ya?" Jay pointed to the small red coca-cola tray that sat on the table. "Just stick it under the couch." Matt grunted, leaned forward grabbing the small tray that held a baggy, lighter, and rolling papers, and shoved it under the couch. He then resumed his original position.  
  
Jay reached the door, which by now was being pounded on, and opened it. "Hey guys, what's up?" "Hey, Jay! A tall guy about mid twenties stepped into the room. He glanced around. "Nice pad they hooked you up with, huh?" "Yeah it's pretty cool. Corey this is Matt," he pointed towards the man on the sofa. "Matt!" Matt looked over. "Matt, this is my friend Corey." Matt nodded and resumed watching Sarah Jessica Parker.  
  
"He's cool. Hey! Stacy!" A beautiful girl in her twenties bounced into the room, her long blonde hair bouncing along with her. "Jay!" She grabbed him in a hug and tapped his back with the six pack she held in her hands. "You mind?" "Nah, not at all. Fridge is over there." He jerked his thumb over his shoulder indicating the small refrigerator in the kitchenette. Stacy quickly deposited the beer into the sparsely filled fridge and walked back into the main room. She took her first notice of Matt, sitting half in and half out of consciousness, on the sofa and went over to him. She stood in front of the TV blocking his view. "Hi there!" she said in an especially cheerful tone.  
  
Matt glanced up at her through half opened eyes. "Hi," was all he said. She stared at him a moment, her golden colored eyes drinking him in. Matt just sat debating whether it was worth trying to get his mouth to form the words "you are standing in front of the TV," decided it wasn't worth it and just stared blankly at her. Stacy got the hint and went back into the kitchen where Jay had resumed making his salami sandwich.  
  
"So what's he doing in here with you?" Stacy asked. "Well, he's run himself pretty ragged and he's stressing out, kind of. He comes and sees me to relax, if you catch my drift." Stacy looked back at Matt who was struggling to keep his eyes open. "Looks tired." She smiled. "I'm gonna go talk to him." "Cool," Jay looked over at Matt again who had lost the battle with his eyelids and now appeared to be asleep. "You might have to wake him up though," he laughed. "God, Jay, what'd you do to him?" She shook her head and headed over to the couch.  
  
Stacy sat next to him on the sofa. His head was leaning on the back and his eyes were closed and to her he appeared to be dozing. She turned sideways tucking one leg under her body and leaned in whispering into his ear, "Hey." Matt jumped a little, blinked twice rapidly, and then slowly focused his bloodshot brown eyes on her. "He." he lightly cleared his throat, "Hey," he said again. She smiled at him. "Tired huh?"  
  
He sighed and rubbed his eyes. "A little bit, I guess." He sat forward resting his elbows on his knees and clasping his hands between his legs. He hoped she wasn't going to expect him to carry on anything like a conversation. He was finding it hard enough just to keep his eyes open. He stretched a little, wincing at the unexpected stiffness in his neck. He reached up to rub away the ache but another pair of hands was suddenly there instead. He glanced at her, uneasy, but she smiled reassuringly and continued to kneed his neck, trying to relieve the built up tension that was evident. His head dropped forward and he grunted as she massaged his sore muscles harder.  
  
"How's that feel?" She asked. "Good, thanks" he relaxed into it, enjoying the attention. His bliss was disturbed by a good-natured voice and a tap on the shoulder. He opened his eyes and saw a beer bottle just inches from his face. Jay's friend Corey with an amiable smile shook it lightly at him. "Want this, man?"  
  
Before Matt could begin to respond, Jay pressed a coke into his hand and lightly admonished Corey. "No, man, he can't have that. He's taking medications and stuff. Won't mix." He winked at Matt who seemed baffled by the whole exchange. At this point, the beer, the coke, Jay and Corey were secondary to the fact that he was getting a killer backrub by a beautiful girl. He was a little disappointed when she drew her hands away and sat back. He smiled at here a little hoping she'd continue but the look in her golden eyes was quizzical. He sat back, eyebrows raised, waiting. She looked him over and crossed her arms. "Well, you look pretty healthy to me. What are you on medication for?" He shook his head completely distracted by her eyes, her hair, her proximity.  
  
"What?" Somewhere in his mind he realized he was sounding like an idiot, but he really didn't care. She smiled at him and he felt a silly grin breaking over his face. Again the little voice of his mind nudged him 'you look like a dork' but he ignored it. As long as she kept smiling at him like that, his world felt fine. She laughed, reached out, and tucked some flyway hair back behind his ear. "Jay said you were taking medication. Are you sick?" He shook his head. "No, I'm fine." He couldn't stop staring at her eyes.  
  
She sighed and tried again. "Well, what is it you're taking?" He looked away for a moment trying to remember the name of the medication in his pocket. For the life of him it just wouldn't come. A minute or so later the strain of trying to think began to give him a headache and he laughed. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the bottle handing it to her with a sheepish grin. "I really don't even know. Ignore me."  
  
His mellow mood began to fade and alarm set in when he saw her opening the bottle. He reached out and grabbed her wrist. "Hey, stop! What're you doing? Those are mine." The strain in his voice and the force of the hand gripping her wrist brought her up short. She looked up at him instantly, alarmed at the tone of his voice, and her eyes widened at the anger in his face. She hurriedly relinquished the bottle into his hand and reached out to touch his shoulder stroking gently hoping to calm himself. Her voice became soft and soothing as she spoke. "Matt, honey, I'm not taking them. I know they're yours."  
  
She moved the hand from his shoulder to his hair, still keeping the same stroking motion, watching his tension gradually slip away. When he seemed to be calm again, she quietly got up and whispered to him, "I'll be right back. You take it easy." He nodded absently having been so entranced by her hand in his hair that he'd never noticed her slipping the tabs out of the bottle.  
  
Matt had started to doze again by the time Stacy returned. Jay had attempted to engage him in conversation but Matt feeling shaky and drained after his panic over Stacy opening his medicine bottle, had downed two of the tabs with his coke and was calmed to the point of unconsciousness. Jay was watching him, concern etched into his face, when Stacy plopped herself back down on the couch. "What's up with him?" her voice held little worry. Jay shook his head. "I don't know. I came over and lit him up and he just kinda zoned out on me. I really don't want to have to explain why he's passed out here." Stacy nodded. "I'll fix him up fine, Jay, no fear."  
  
His eyes narrowed. "Oh no you don't. You aren't speeding him up. He'll sleep it off." She laughed, "Jay, I'm not gonna hurt him and he'll liven up a lot quicker. Now you go play with Corey and let me worry about Matt." She playfully pushed him off the couch, "Go, go. Don't worry."  
  
He eyed her dubiously but his need to wake Matt up overrode his concerns and he reluctantly got up pointing a finger in her face, "You be careful. I don't want anything to happen to him." She giggled. "Go on Jay, he's fine." She turned her attention to the sleeping boy on the couch and gave him a hard shake.  
  
Matt didn't know what was happening. There were voices washing over him everywhere but nobody seemed to be saying anything. He wished they'd all go away and let him sleep, God, he was so tired. He'd almost succeeded in tuning them out when someone grabbed his arm none too gently and gave a rough yank. He struggled to open his eyes but only managed to get them halfway. He couldn't really focus but he thought maybe it was Stacy. Matt desperately wanted to wake up for her and made a monumental effort and sat himself up.  
  
Stacy grabbed as he started to fall off the couch and laughed. "Pretty out of it, my friend, but I think I have something that will fix you up fine." He ogled at her blurry eyed and off balance and mumbled, "No, 's'okay. I'm fine." She shook her head, "Not so very, I don't think, how do you feel?" He opened his eyes comically wide and nodded his head. "Fine, I'm fine, I feel good." He tried to look sincere and she had to laugh. He dropped his head into his hands and she slid closer and began rubbing his back again. "I've got something else that will make you feel good." Matt lifted his head and turned to look at her, a quizzical expression painted on his face. "Really? What's that?" His gaze drifted to her low cut T-shirt, his eyes roving her cleavage. Unbeknownst to himself, a smile played on his lips.  
  
She laughed at him and lifted his chin with her fingers. "Not that, Romeo, I have something better." She playfully pushed him back against the couch cushions and held him there with one hand against his chest while with her other hand she fished around in her pocket finally pulling out a small foil wrapped packet. She smiled at him and moved her hand from his chest replacing it with her shoulder as she leaned back against him effectively pinning him. He laughed and poked her arm. "I'm not going anywhere. Believe it. You don't have to hold me here." She smiled back at him. "Maybe I just want to." Her smile and her words sent a rush through him unlike anything he'd ever felt. He felt himself starting to be out of breath. Stacy glance at him and her eyes glinted. She could see his excitement. She turned slightly leaned in close and trapped his eyes with hers. His world was filled with lovely gold and the rest of the room receded. She gently stroked the side of his face and his hair and then held up two small pink pills. 


	4. Walls chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE (damn!)  
  
Stacy smiled at Matt as he closed his eyes and waited for the pill to work its magic. She looked at his hands, which were resting on his thighs. Ever so gently she ran her fingertips over the light hairs on the back of his left hand and whispered, "You have beautiful hands."  
  
Matt opened his eyes and looked down. He watched as she gently traced circles on the back of his hand. Her light touch, even though it was just on his hand, seemed to race through every part of him and a nice tingly feeling took over. He glanced up and looked into Stacy's eyes. As she leaned over, some of her hair brushed against his hand. Its silky texture sent a jolt through his body and he enjoyed the sensation it gave him. Stacy smiled at him again and as he smiled back he suddenly felt her fingertips leave his hand and gently begin to run lightly up and down his thigh. His heart was pounding, the noise ringing in his ears was so loud that it muted all the other sounds in the room. Stacy was teasing him, getting very close to the top of his thigh, then letting her fingers slide down again just barely touching his leg but enough that he felt as though he was on fire. Matt thought he might explode if he didn't kiss her soon and leaned in towards her. His lips just barely brushed against hers before she gently pushed him away. Matt gave her a confused look. He didn't understand why she would be touching him. She had to know it was driving him crazy but not let him kiss her.  
  
Stacy almost laughed at the pathetic look Matt gave her before she whispered, "Just relax." Matt sighed. "I don't think I can get anymore relaxed." Stacy silenced him by gently placing her index finger on his lips. Her finger lightly traced his mouth and she could feel his breath coming out in hot spurts blowing across her fingertip. She leaned forward and kissed his cheek, letting her lips linger on his soft skin, before pulling away. Matt took a deep breath, it hitched in his chest, and he slowly let it out hoping he didn't get too worked up before she did anything else. He raised his hand and touched her face, stroking her cheek, then letting it slide down her neck. He wanted to touch her in the worst way but didn't want to make her angry. Looking up, he licked his dry lips and gave her a pleading expression. In response, Stacy kissed his lips and placed her hand over his guiding it down her body. Matt's fingers were trembling slightly and Stacy kept her hand on his to steady them. Knowing that she shouldn't, she deepened their kisses allowing their tongues to touch.  
  
"Do you see that?" Corey looked over from his position at the kitchen table and was staring at the little show taking place on the sitting room couch. Jay glanced up and nearly choked on his beer. It sprayed out of his mouth all over the table. Grabbing a paper towel, he wiped up the table stating, "She never let me do that. Matt is gonna be thanking me tomorrow." Corey laughed, looked back over at the couch and laughed even harder, "Think she's gonna remember she was all over him?" "We'll make sure she remembers, bahahaha." Jay exclaimed with a mock evil laugh.  
  
Stacy was letting Matt's hands explore everywhere but his trembling was worsening. He could barely touch her. As Stacy was kissing his neck, she realized his whole body was slightly shaking. Alarmed, she pulled away and looked into his eyes. "Are you ok?" she asked genuinely concerned.  
  
Matt attempted to smile. He knew something was wrong. His shirt was sticking to his body and he felt like he was on fire. Not an excited tingly fire sensation as before but a hot uncomfortable sensation. Still, he wasn't about to tell her. He didn't feel very good but the things she was doing to him did and he wasn't going to let it stop. He caught his breath and lied through his teeth. "I'm fine.fine." He leaned back in again to kiss, trying once more to melt into her the way he had been a moment ago but nausea licked at the back of his throat and he pulled away almost immediately.  
  
The abrupt movement startled Stacy and she sat up suddenly, her mood now completely broken. She looked at the boy next to her and for a moment felt real fear. He was sitting bolt upright, hands clasped between his knees, rocking slightly back and forth. His jaw was clenched and she could hear his teeth grinding together. She could see him swallowing convulsively over and over and his breathing was sketchy and irregular. Her first panicky thought, "Oh my god, I overdosed him!" was almost immediately replaced by the sensible "of course I didn't, a three year old wouldn't overdose on what I gave him. He's just not used to it." Realizing that the speed was making him sick, she reached out and took his hand. "Matt, it's okay. Just try to slow down your breathing and you'll calm down." She tried to keep her tone soothing.  
  
He shook off her hand. His whole body was tingling and he was having trouble catching his breath. The last thing he wanted was something touching him. He could feel his teeth grinding and it hurt but he couldn't seem to help it. Finally unable to stand it, he jumped up off the couch. He had no idea where he was going but he couldn't sit still any longer.  
  
Jay saw Matt get up and was on him like a shot. He knew he was reacting to the drugs he'd been given. He'd seen it starting a few minutes ago when Matt backed away from Stacy. He'd been hoping it would be a momentary thing and would pass but it appeared to be accelerating. He knew if he let him leave, things would not go well for him and his main goal now was to keep Matt in the room and then to make sure he wasn't in real trouble. He planted himself in front of the pacing man and reached out and took his arms. "Matt, you gotta calm down. It's ok." He tried to sound firm to penetrate the confusion he knew Matt was feeling. It didn't work. Matt shoved him away, no small feat considering the fact Jay out weighed him and headed for the door.  
  
Matt only knew he had to get out. He was trapped. There wasn't enough air in here and there were too many people. He could feel the walls closing in. To top it off he was burning up and had to find something cool. He just couldn't stand it anymore. He made a dash for the door and came up against Corey who was laughing. "Whoa, east tiger. You don't want to go out there. The worlds a dangerous place. You come on with Corey. We'll fix you up fine."  
  
Matt shook his head wildly and when he spoke it was very nearly a scream. "You have to let me out! You have to let me out!!!" He turned and Jay got a good look at his eyes. They were the eyes of wild animal, cornered and dangerous. He'd never been afraid of Matt but he knew that if he didn't get him calmed down things could get ugly. He approached him slowly. He didn't want to spook him.  
  
Matt only knew he was sick and he couldn't breathe. He had to get out. He had to cool off. He had to do something. Nothing looked right and the only sound he could hear was his own gasping breath. He didn't know this person who was holding him back. He didn't understand. It was a huge relief when he finally focused on Jay. Jay who was standing there, calm and speaking soothingly. Things couldn't be that bad if Jay was okay. He reached out and grabbed his friend's arm, not noticing the look of pain on Jay's face at the strength of his grip. He just held on and managed to choke out the words "help me. I'm gonna die." Jay chuckled softly. "No, you're not gonna die, Matt, you're gonna be fine. You come on with me." He continued the soothing tone and led Matt into the bathroom, away from everyone, and shut the door. He led him over to the sink and wet a washrag and handed it to him knowing full well that Matt felt like he was on fire. He'd been in the same situation more than once. Matt grasped the cool cloth in his hands and then reached out and blasted the cold water on full force. Jay just waited, knowing that the more he interfered the more likely he'd be to spook him. Matt had himself pretty well soaked and much more alert, when he finally spoke, still panicky but no longer out of his head. "Jay, what's going on. Why do I feel like this?!" Jay sighed. "The speed she gave you. You're not used to it. You'll be okay."  
  
Matt shook his head. "No, I can't breathe! I can't, oh god, what did I do?!" Jay went closer knowing Matt was coming back to himself and put a hand on his shoulder. "You're gonna be okay. I mean it. You're gonna be fine. It's gonna go away." Matt just looked at him still trembling violently still grinding his teeth. A minute later he began to gag and Jay spun him around and held him over the sink. He'd known this was going to happen. He was glad they were in here. When he felt Matt's legs giving out, he gently sat him down on the floor and held him until the sickness passed. When it was over, Matt sighed deeply and laid his head on his arm. Within moments he was asleep.  
  
Jay watched him for a short while wanting to be sure that the vomiting was over before he moved him. When he felt certain it was, he picked the unconscious man up, carried him into the bedroom, and laid him down on one of the beds. He watched him sleep then timed his breathing and checking his pulse. Finding both strong and steady, he covered him up and left the room wondering how in the world he was going to explain this.  
  
Something was stabbing his eyes. One minute he was sound asleep and the next someone was driving needles into his eyes. He groaned and reached upward, his hand blocking the sliver of sunlight that was shining on his face. The pain faded. He kept his hand there for a moment hovering in the air above his face. Light. It was light that hurt. Light meant morning. Morning. The word floated through his mind searching for something to connect with. He was still trying to figure it out when a hand gripped his shoulder. He jumped nearly out of his skin and his eyes flew open staring reproachfully up at Jay who was laughing. "I'm sorry. I thought you were awake. You'll have to get going."  
  
Matt stared up at him confused. "What am I doing here?" He winced. His voice hurt his head. Come to think of it, he felt pretty damned lousy. His whole body ached, his throat was so dry he could barely swallow, and he had a terrible taste in his mouth. He felt weak and shaky. What had happened? Jay extended a hand. "Come on, you gotta get up now." Matt took the hand and allowed himself to be pulled upright. For just a moment, he thought that awake was only a temporary condition. As soon as his head left the pillow, dizziness set in and huge black flowers bloomed in front of his eyes. Jay held on to him and soon enough the feeling passed. He squinted up at Jay who was watching him intent but seemingly faintly amused. "What'm I doing here, Jay?" Jay grinned, "You already asked me that. Come on and have something to eat before you go."  
  
Matt's eyebrows went up at the thought of food. Was Jay crazy? Anything he swallowed now was sure to just bounce right back. Still, he was awfully thirsty. He followed Jay out into the kitchen noting the people sleeping on the pull out couch in the sitting room. Had everyone slept here? He tried one more time. "Jay, why am I here?"  
  
Jay snorted, "What's the last thing you remember?" Matt sat back and thought about it. Jay laughed watching the little movie playing itself out on the man's face. He could tell what Matt was remembering just by watching his expressions change. Matt finally looked up at him. "I got sick, didn't I?" Jay nodded, "Yes, you did. Then you passed out." Jay watched his friend for a few minutes quietly. He hoped Matt could hold himself together today. He'd had a pretty rough night. Still, he didn't look too bad.  
  
Jay pressed a glass of juice into his hand and motioned him over to the sitting room. "Go sit down and drink this. Trust me," he added noting Matt's dubious look. He was eyeing the orange juice as if it were a week old dead fish. Matt shook his head a little, not at all sure about this. He really didn't think swallowing anything was a good idea. His doubt turned to outright alarm when Jay handed him a donut and instructed him. "Eat it. I know you don't think you can, but trust me." Matt was nodding frantically. "I do, I do, but you are crazy. I'm not eating this. I'll be sick before I can blink."  
  
Jay laughed. "No, you won't. Would you trust me please? I know what I'm talking about." Matt finally sighed in resignation and started on the juice. Once he was sure Matt and food were going to work out, Jay wandered over and kicked the pull out bed. "Hey, sleeping beauty, wake up and have a look at the monster you created last night." He glanced over at Matt who was ignoring him completely. He couldn't wait to see what would happen between these two this morning. He kicked the bed again and reached down and gave Stacy a shake.  
  
"Come on wake up. We have to go to work in a little while. You too Corey." He reached across the bed and yanked the pillow out from under Corey's head. Corey's cry of irritation finally convinced Stacy that ignoring them all was no longer an option. Muttering under her breath, she sat up and her gaze fell on Matt. For a moment she squinted and she smiled. "Matt?"  
  
He looked up and blinked vaguely. He was having trouble staying awake. She laughed and signaled Jay. "He's gone, Jay, put him to bed." Jay's face was troubled. "No, he's got to work today." He observed Matt's efforts to stay awake for a minute longer and then turned to Stacy. "Let me have one of the tabs you gave him last night." She dug around in her jeans and handed him what was left. He broke a tab in half and gave Matt a shake. "Hey, I want you to take this."  
  
Matt looked up at him and Jay felt a stab of guilt. He looked so childlike right now. What was he doing giving Matt all these chemicals? Still, he had to work and he wasn't going to do it the way he was now. "It's going to help you feel better, Matt, so take it for me, alright?"  
  
Matt obediently took the pill his friend was holding out. Again Jay felt that guilt spear but he shrugged it off. Matt was fine. There had been no harm done. He headed into the shower calling to Stacy, "Keep him up and make sure he's outta here by 7 okay?" She waved him on and turned to Matt.  
  
"Hey, you awake?" He looked at her bleary eyed and struggling to keep his eyes open. "Yeah, I guess so. I have to go. Why do I feel so bad?" He muttered to himself and tried to sit up straighter. At this rate he'd never make it back to his room. He shook his head again and was frantically rubbing his eyes when he felt a cool hand on his neck. He jumped a little and looked up to find Stacy sitting next to him. She smiled faintly and turned his face toward her. He was caught up in those golden eyes again and felt himself drifting into them as her fingers gently stroke his cheek. Her expression was gentle and concerned and when she spoke he heard real regret in her voice.  
  
"Honey, I'm so sorry. This is all my fault. You were so sleepy last night. I just wanted to make you feel better. I didn't mean for it to do this to you." He was mystified. What was she talking about? He stared into her eyes trying to read her. She laughed a little. "You have no idea, do you? You don't remember." Now she really did laugh and he began to feel irritated. Whatever had gone on, he really wished someone would fill him in. He reached up and moved her hand off his face. He placed it firmly onto the seat and when he spoke there was no mistaking the annoyance. "Look, I don't know what happened. I don't really know why I'm still here. I don't really care. Whatever you did, okay, you're sorry. Cool. I gotta go." He stood up and held onto the wall until he felt steady enough to walk. Stacy reached up to help him and he brushed her off. For some reason, she was just getting on his nerves. He headed across the room staggering slightly but he was feeling clearer and more alert with every step but for some reason he was also beginning to be angry. He stopped at the door and turned a pointedly irritated face to her. "I'll be back later. You tell Jay." He stepped out the door but turned again and saw the hurt on her face. He was genuinely puzzled. Why did she look like that? He softened his tone a little. "Will you be here tonight?" She nodded and gestured out the door. "You'd better go. You'll be late. You be careful." He smiled but it did nothing to comfort her. It never touched his eyes. He stepped out the door and slammed it behind him.  
  
~present day~ Matt's heart started to race and his nerves to fire remembering where all this had led. He'd probably flat out ruined his career. More than that he knew he'd never be forgiven for what had happened with Jeff.  
  
***This whole story has already been written. It's just a matter of finding time to get it typed up so updates should come pretty regularly. Thanks for the great reviews! Keep them coming!*** 


	5. Walls chapter 5

Disclaimer: I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE (damn!)  
  
~present day~ Tossing and turning unable to get comfortable, he couldn't stop thinking. Jeff flashed through his mind again. God he hoped he was all right. He wished someone would tell him something. He sat up, finally giving up on sleep, and flipped the TV on knowing full well he'd just be snapping it off again in a few minutes. He didn't want to watch it. He just needed something to make him feel more normal. Less alone. Less like he might shatter at any moment. His feeling that he deserved everything he was getting had faded somewhat replaced by the intense longing to see his friends and incredible hurt that they'd evidently just written him off. They hadn't been there at all except for Adam who'd sat and stared and refused to speak to or touch him. He sighed feeling tears stinging his eyes and stubbornly blinked them back. Crying wouldn't do any good and it would only make his headache worse. He began flipping channels hoping something would take his mind off things.  
  
Unknown to Matt, Jeff was thinking his own thoughts and reliving his own nightmare in another bed in another room. He didn't realize it but he was only a few doors down the hall from his brother. He'd asked about Matt but nobody told him anything. They were probably afraid he'd want to see him. Not much chance of that. He wasn't going anywhere near him again. Ever if he could help it. He couldn't remember much of what had happened but he knew how it had turned out. Feeling tears starting again he turned over and reached out for Adam who was sitting near the bed. Adam rubbed his shoulder comfortingly but there wasn't much he could say. He knew how confused Jeff was and he had no real explanations for him. Jeff reached up and pulled his friend down next to him. He buried his face in his shoulder unable to stop the tears. He just couldn't stop thinking about t it. Everything just stopped cold all at once and he couldn't understand.  
  
~two days previous~ Jeff stepped out of the hotel room trying to be as quiet as possible. Matt was walking down the hallway about twenty feet ahead of him. Deciding that his brother looked far enough away that he wouldn't notice someone following him, Jeff headed in the same direction.  
  
Matt stepped into the elevator. As soon as the doors closed, Jeff raced over. The down button was lit up. Swiftly he ran to the stairs and opened the door. He had a tingly feeling and it made him smile. He raced down the stairs heading for the lobby. He ran full force down the last flight of stairs and slammed into the exit door. The door flew open and banged on the wall as he came flying out of it. A man getting ice at one of the machines in the hallway just stared at him as he raced by.  
  
Jeff swiftly turned the corner and screeched to a halt. Matt was walking out the doors by the pool. Jeff patted himself on the back for not losing Matt and hurriedly ran over to the doors. Matt had paused by the pool and was crouching down staring into the crystal clear water. Jeff sighed and waited. He anxiously tapped his fingers on the door handle. He hoped Matt wouldn't stay by the pool too long. He had been so excited to start his game of figuring out what the heck had been up with Matt lately and he most certainly didn't want it to end with Matt staring into a pool.  
  
Matt looked up and glanced over his shoulder to gaze at the doors. Jeff quickly jumped out of view and prayed his brother hadn't seen him. He waited a minute and risked a peek out the window to see if Matt was coming after him. Cautiously he looked out the window. Matt had resumed staring into the water. Jeff groaned. Come on, he thought. Do something. At that moment Matt stood up and started walking again heading towards the back of the building. Jeff frowned. Nothing's back there. All that's there is the...His thoughts trailed off. Jeff knew exactly what was back there. Jay's room. He congratulated himself again on his deductive reasoning skills seeing as how Matt hadn't told anyone where he was headed just stating that he needed to go for a walk alone. Jeff opened the doors and made his way around the pool making sure to keep out of sight by ducking behind the occasional bush. Matt rounded the corner and Jeff followed. He was once again halted when he saw Matt go into one of the rooms. Scanning the back lot, he chose to hide behind a black Lincoln figuring it would give him the most cover. Jeff crouched behind the car and waited. He absently picked up a stone from the parking lot and rubbed it between his hands hoping that they didn't stay in the room too long. He wanted them to come out so that he could continue his pursuit. He was so pleased he hadn't been caught yet and the tingly feeling he had gotten in the stairwell rushed over him again. This is exactly like Mission Impossible, he thought to himself and then quickly clapped his hand over his mouth to keep from laughing aloud. As he was trying to regain his composure, he heard a door open. He quickly quieted and sat up slightly listening. It was definitely Matt and Jay. They were talking about meeting someone named Greg somewhere. Matt sounded nervous and Jeff could hear him fidgeting. Jay sounded like he was trying to reassure Matt that whatever it was they were talking about was going to be fine and that if not he still had something or another in his room. Jeff frowned. What could Jay have that Matt was so nervous about? Maybe I should see for myself. He heard Jay and, he thought, Matt begin to walk away and waited staying out of sight. Deciding to ditch the idea of following them, he instead figured he was going to see what was in Jay's room. From the way they were talking it didn't seem as though they were going to be back anytime soon and no one else was around. When he was sure nobody would see him, Jeff stood up. Kicking the stiffness out of his knees, he approached the room. Knowing full well it would be locked he still attempted to turn the handle. Locked. He put his hands on his hips and pursed his lips, deep in thought. As he pondered his next move, he heard voices. His eyes grew wide and he quickly ran behind the Lincoln again. A huge cart rounded the corner followed by two maids. They stopped at Jay's door. One woman raised her hand to knock on the door but her partner stopped her.  
  
"No, see they have a do not disturb sign on the door. You always have to check for that. We don't knock on the doors with the do not disturb sign hanging. Just go on to the next room. We'll come back to this one."  
  
The two women pushed the cart down a little ways to the next door. Jeff heard them knock and announce "house keeping." He stood up and watched as one woman took a plastic card that hung on the end of the cart's handle and slid it into the door and then opened the door. Jeff smiled. He knew exactly what he was going to do. He began to hum the Mission Impossible theme under his breath and waited as the woman returned the card to it's original position and both women entered the room. Jeff swiftly ran over to the cart and looking in the room to see both women with their backs turned he grabbed the key and shoved it into his pocket. He made his way over to Jay's room and quickly unlocked the door leaving it slightly open. Hurriedly he ran back to the cart and returned the key to its original place then ran back to Jay's room jumping inside and quickly closing the door.  
  
Jeff stood inside the dim cool room blinking his eyes as they adjusted to the darkness. He immediately noticed that Jay's room had that same herbal smell that his bathroom often had after Matt had been in it for a while. When his eyes fully adjusted he looked around. The room was as neat as a pin. Nothing seemed out of place so he knew he would have to be extremely careful when he searched through things putting them back exactly as he found them.  
  
He had no idea that he was not alone in the small suite of rooms and that two other people were in fact behind the closed bedroom door.  
  
~present day~ Matt was in the grip of extreme anxiety. People kept coming in but none of them were the people he wanted to see. He was scared. Where were his friends? He'd seen Adam for a minute but he'd never spoken a word and now he was visited by a succession of nurses asking him how he felt and fussing with him, doctors telling him what was wrong with him as if he hadn't already figured it out, and one man he suspected was a psychiatrist who'd spent the better part of the day trying to get him to talk. Fine. They wanted to fix him. He would have given anything for Jeff to run in and jump on him. He hadn't realized how much he missed them. How could he have let go of them the way he had? They were always affectionate friends. He was used to their presence, their voices, their touches. How could he not have missed it? He thought back, somewhat disgusted with himself, to the nearest thing to affection he'd had in weeks.  
  
~one week previous~ The TV flickered, casting bluish shadows to all corners of the room. Matt watched as they reflected off of Stacy's face, making it luminous. He watched the light moving with all of its amazing fluidity over her face, her hair, and her body and realized he was holding his breath. He couldn't take his eyes off her. Every move she made however slight seemed to send a chill through him. It was all he could do to keep his hands off of her or himself. He felt himself running out of breath and struggled to slow it down to get himself back in control. Stacy felt his eyes on her again and flicked a glance in his direction without moving her head. Even without looking directly at him she could see his excitement. He was breathing so hard and fighting so hard to control it. She didn't mind. She knew how he felt. As she listened to him, she began to wish he would dare to reach out and touch her. Matt wondered if somewhere deep inside she was suppressing the same urges that he was. His eyes traced her body moving from her face to her chest to her legs back to her chest. Feeling his breath coming out in quick gasps as he watched her chest rise and fall, he closed his eyes and inhaled slowly attempting to keep some shred of dignity. Certainly he didn't want her to think he was getting off just by looking at her, but was mildly alarmed to find that he was extremely close to just that. Opening his eyelids, he let out a deep breath and found himself staring right into her golden eyes. Those eyes were glittering with an excitement as intense as his own.  
  
"Hey." her voice was very nearly a whisper.  
  
***Thanks again for the great reviews! Keep them coming! Stay tuned for the next chapter to finally find out what Matt did to Jeff.*** 


	6. Walls chapter 6

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE.  
  
~present day~ Matt was beginning to feel sick. He didn't want to think about this. He didn't want to watch it all happening again, his minds eye having missed no details. He could feel his breathing beginning to speed up and recognized the panic that was setting in. A completely wild and irrational thought slammed itself over and over through his head, that he's killed him. That the reason nobody had let him see Jeff or come in to tell him what was going on was because he had died. He'd asked and asked about Jeff and gotten only noncommittal answers. Why wouldn't they tell him? His mind played out the horror movie of memory over and over and panic overtook thought. He had to know. He climbed out of bed heedless of the IV line snaking into his hand. It came up short and he pulled it out absently not noticing or caring about the blood flowing from the wound. He nearly fell trying to walk but ignored the difficulty holding on the walls and furniture for balance. He stumbled out into the hall and all but fell into the arms of the nurse who was coming in to check on him. He pulled away from her, his eyes frantic. "I want to see my brother. You have to let me see him!" He was very nearly screaming the words and the sound of his voice brought Adam from a room a few doors down. He stared, wordless, and their eyes connected. Matt's words trailed off then and his eyes narrowed. Adam. There. So that meant...nodding to himself, he headed for the room, shoving off the restraining hand of the nurse. Adam looked to her and nodded.  
  
"It's okay. Had to happen sometime." He stopped Matt in the doorway none too gently. "I'm gonna let you in and you can see what you did. But don't touch him. Don't even go near him. Because I swear, Matt, if you lay a finger on him I will kill you. Kill you. I mean it." His voice was cold and horribly devoid of emotion and Matt didn't doubt him for a second. His heart was breaking. He didn't need to see what he'd done. He already knew but he had to see Jeff. He looked into Adam eyes and his voice was a whisper. "I won't hurt him, Adam. I won't touch him. I just need to see him." Adam nodded shortly and stepped out of the way. Matt stepped into the room and got his first look at his brother since they'd been brought in two nights ago. Jeff looked up at him and the full memory of what had happened sliced into both of them at once.  
  
~two evenings previous~ "What the hell are you doing?"  
  
Jeff looked up at his older brother, never noticing the menace in his voice. He saw two Matt's and he became worried. "Matt?" He squinted and tried to focus. The two Matt's blurred together and for one instant he saw his brother staring at him, a frown on his face, before his eyes divided his Matt again. He was getting scared. "Matt?" he again pitifully whimpered. The lights in the room swirled and they appeared to vanish into a smoky haze. The room felt like it was getting smaller and Jeff suddenly was having trouble breathing. His breath came out in rasps and he gasped trying to get air in his lungs. The only thing that kept him from panic was the thought that Matt was here. Matt was here. Matt would help him.  
  
"Why are you in my stuff?" Matt didn't have time to play name games with his brother. He was seriously pissed. How dare Jeff even think of coming into this room let alone take his stuff. On top of that, he had Stacy waiting in the other room. He was feeling antsy again and wanted to get back to her but right now he was more concerned with teaching Jeff a lesson. He never even noticed the younger man's distress. His biggest concern was finding out how much of his stuff Jeff had taken so he could get more. That and the horrible fear that he'd be found out. Somewhere inside him he could almost hear a voice, "he'll tell. You have to stop him, he'll tell."  
  
Jeff shook his head trying to clear the cobwebs. The room seemed to be spinning now, spinning out of control and Jeff had to grab the wall for support. The TV was still on in the other room and it made a hollow echoing sound that invaded his mind. He was afraid that maybe he was hearing voices as the noise filled his head. Where was Matt? Where had he gone? What was happening to him?  
  
Matt was getting more upset by the second. He clenched and unclenched his fists, curling his fingers into tight balls. "How could you do this? How?" He stood there hating Jeff more with every passing moment. He was ruining everything. His anger finally boiled over, completely out of his control.  
  
"Matt, I." Jeff tried to form words but everything was a jumble in his head. He was so scared. He wanted Matt to tell him he was going to be okay because he wasn't so sure.  
  
"You are so dead!"  
  
The sudden shout caused Jeff's head to shoot up. His eyes finally focused and they saw that Matt looked dead serious and completely insane. His brother lunged for him and Jeff couldn't move fast enough. Matt grabbed his wrist twisting it. Jeff cried out in pain and tried to jerk free.  
  
Seeing that Jeff had something clutched in his hand, Matt screamed, "DROP IT!" He twisted Jeff's arm a little further and Jeff shouted again. Matt slapped his brother's hand and the four pills that he had been holding dropped to the floor.  
  
"Stay out of my stuff!" Matt was beyond angry. He had to make Jeff pay. Jeff had to learn he just couldn't come in and take his stuff like this and get away with it. Sweat trickled down his face, dripped off his chin, and he swiped at a drop that slid into his eye causing his vision to blur. His hesitation allowed Jeff to squirm free of his brother's grip and back off. Matt growled deep in his throat. His hatred for Jeff was increasing with every passing moment. "You better run cause I'm not finished with you!"  
  
Jeff's eyes grew wide. He turned and implored his feet to move. They did clumsily at first but regaining strength with every step. Jeff burst out of the room and ran for the stairs, Matt hot on his heels. Matt was yelling at him but he ignored the cursing and practically threw himself down the last flight of stairs. The door swung open and Jeff ran out into the cold rainy night.  
  
"GET BACK HERE!" Matt was running so fast he thought his heart would burst out of his chest. He watched as Jeff ran across the parking lot and started up a small grassy incline. Jeff's sneakers slipped in the wet grass and he lost his footing sliding on his knees partway down the hill. Desperately he tried to grab onto the grass to pull himself up but it was too late. Matt was on him. He felt his brother grab him and flip him onto his back and looked up into the eyes of a murderous stranger.  
  
Matt was completely out of control. He was looking at Jeff and seeing everything he hated, everything that frightened him, everything he desperately wanted to end. He barely saw his brother through the rage that had taken him over. Screaming obscenities that were almost drowned out by the thunder rumbling above. His fists flew out of control, pummeling Jeff in the chest, arms, stomach, legs, a few blows smashing into Jeff's head leaving brilliant colors in front of his eyes. Jeff writhed in pain, crying, putting his arms over his head trying to protect himself. Matt couldn't hurt Jeff enough. Nothing he did was enough. He stood up and stomped his feet into the man's chest, not caring that Jeff couldn't breathe, not able to stop until he slipped in the wet grass and landed on top of his brother. He continued to ram his fists anywhere he could stopping only when he suddenly realized that Jeff was gagging and shoved him away in disgust. Jeff rolled over on his side and vomited a mess of food, foam, and blood. Seeing the blood, Matt's eyes grew wide and a tiny bit of sanity returned. Lightning crashed and lit up the sky a brilliant white, so bright it looked like day. Matt's breath caught in his throat when he saw what he had done to his brother. There was blood dripping down the side of his face slowly darkening his already soaked hair. Jeff's left eye was swollen shut; his lips were swollen and bleeding. Blood ran from his nose and mouth in a tide. Too much bleeding. There were huge purplish welts and gouges on his arms. Horror sank into Matt as he realized that he had done this and that this was Jeff. Terror sliced claws into him when he saw that Jeff was no longer moving.  
  
"Jeff?" Matt almost whimpered. He shook his brother but Jeff's eyes remained closed. "Jeff!" He shook him harder. "JEFF! JEFF LOOK AT ME!" Matt's cries became hysterical. "Jeff wake up, please! Wake up!!!" Matt tried to lift Jeff but ended up collapsing on the ground next to his brother's motionless form. Screaming, Matt grabbed Jeff and pulled him onto his lap wrapping his arms around him not able to form words just incoherent cries rocking back and forth. Cradling Jeff in his arms, he kissed the top of his brother's head, clutching him even tighter. "Jeff, please," he whispered. "Please, please, please." he trailed off, the words still coming out more like moans. Rage had faded leaving him alone with himself and the battered form of someone he would have died to protect but had instead very nearly killed. He sobbed into his brother's hair. "Oh god, Jeff, oh god. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."  
  
When the hand suddenly gripped his shoulder, he screamed.  
  
Jay looked grimly down at the boys soaking wet in the grass. He'd known this was coming. Matt's temper had been flaring up readily at the slightest provocation. He'd been sampling Stacy's cornucopia of chemicals quite liberally and his behavior had become downright frightening. Still, he hadn't for a minute dreamed it would be Jeff who would catch the brunt of it. Matt had done quite a job on him. He grasped Matt's arm none too gently. "Did you do this?"  
  
Matt's eyes dropped to the ground, all the answer Jay needed. He nodded and squatted down next to Jeff. "I'm gonna take him inside, Matt, you have to let him go." He could see the panicky way Matt was holding his brother and knew it was going to be a struggle to get Jeff away from him. For a moment he debated simply yanking him away. He could do it but he also knew it would set Matt off again and above all he wanted to avoid more violence. He forced himself to relax and to calm his tone of voice. "Matt, c'mon. He's getting soaked. I'm just gonna take him inside. You come too." Matt, beyond rational, never really responded. He clutched Jeff tighter and a high keening whine began to come out of him. Jay sighed. This was just going to be horrible all the way around. He reached out and gently stopped Matt who had begun rocking again and firmed up his tone. "Matt. He is going inside. I'm not gonna argue. He needs help. Look at him." Matt looked up at Jay and the blankness in his eyes disappeared replaced by emotion Jay couldn't identify. He stood up dropping Jeff in the grass, seemingly having forgotten he was holding him. "I can't do this anymore." His voice was a growl. "You don't understand. I can't stand it and there's no place to go!" Jay nodded but took the opportunity to scoop Jeff up off the ground and get to his feet. Wherever Matt was going with this, he didn't much care. Jeff had taken god knew how much of god knew what and had the hell beaten out of him. Matt's wired out tantrum could wait. Ignoring the man's insane ranting which was going on and on, he strode with Jeff into his room.  
  
Matt watched him go, the flood of words was shut off as if with a faucet. Nobody cared. There was an insane rage roaring in his head and a nearly suicidal sadness. He sank back down onto the grass and dropped his head onto his arms. His hands gripped handfuls of hair and he was rocking again. Beyond crying, beyond words, he stayed there. Alone and all but forgotten in the rain.  
  
~two nights previous~ He had to get away from them. It was all too much. There was no dealing with it, not with the way they weren't looking at him, or the way they weren't speaking to him. It wasn't his fault, was it? He hadn't meant it, had he? Maybe he had. He just didn't know. He just knew he hated himself. There was nothing about himself he could live with. They were all right. They hated him now, and he agreed. He glanced at Adam and he averted his eyes. Mental nod, he couldn't even look at him. His own best friend hated him. He couldn't take it anymore; ht couldn't take their non-stares. He slipped away, knowing that they wouldn't come after him. Why look for someone who shouldn't even exist?  
  
He found a bathroom and drifted inside. Cold in here. Smelled like perfume. No matter, who cared? He shut himself into one of the stalls and locked the door. Déjà vu. He'd done this before. Who cared? He dug into his pocket, pulled out two crumpled plastic baggies, and sat down. For the slightest moment, the thought "don't do this" flashed through his mind, barely registered and nowhere near enough to make him stop.  
  
He dumped the contents of the baggies, about two dozen colored tablets and capsules, into his hand, and stopped for a moment, his eyes glazed and unfocused. He mumbled to himself for a moment, perhaps a prayer, and then tipped the tabs into his mouth. He chewed them, swallowed, and sat back, eyes dull. Beyond fear, beyond tears, numb. Waiting. Soon nausea set in and he fought it, he wasn't going to let himself throw tem up. Soon enough it faded, and he began to drift. His last clear impression was the smell of cheap perfume.  
  
~present day~ Matt and Jeff stared at each other, neither of them able to speak. Matt was nearly insane with conflicting emotion. He wanted nothing more than to go to Jeff and hold him and never let go. He wanted him to know he hadn't meant it, that he'd rather die than hurt him, that he wished he HAD died, that he loved him, that he was sorry. But he stood there, too afraid and hurt by the fear he saw in Jeff's eyes to go near him.  
  
Jeff was in much the same state. He wanted Matt to tell him it was all okay. He wanted Matt to make it go away. He wanted Matt. But he was terrified. He couldn't forget the hate he'd seen in those eyes and the pain he had suffered at those hands. He stared at his brother hoping against hope, yet terribly afraid that Matt would come over.  
  
Nobody spoke. They stayed that way each frozen in his own fear and longing for what seemed like hours. The spell was finally broke when a hand gently touched Matt's shoulder. He jumped, turned, and found himself looking into Amy's eyes. For a moment he was afraid to keep contact, afraid he'd read hate there but when he finally made himself look he saw concern and love. Nothing else. Everything in him broke then and tears he'd been fighting finally came. She nodded. Much as she hated to see him in pain, she'd been waiting for this, for some sign that he could care. That he could feel. The nurses had told her that other than hysteria when Matt woke up initially, he'd been very neutral, almost numb. They'd been waiting for it to break. She held him for a little while, letting him get this out of him, and finally led him to a chair near the bed and sat him down. She waited a little until he had calmed down somewhat eyeing him, Adam, and Jeff alternately. She didn't like the way Jeff looked. He was too pale and had edged as far away from Matt as he could get. He was obviously scared to death and she couldn't blame him. Adam was shooting death looks across the room at Matt and she wasn't looking forward to what might happen if he snapped. She watched this for a few minutes and decided it was hightime to get Matt out of there before all hell broke loose. The tension in the other two boys was just too high. She took Matt's arm and gently pulled him to his feet. "Come on, you need to go back to your room now." She nodded in Adam's general direction and gestured toward Jeff. Adam understood. She was worried that Jeff wouldn't be dealing with this well. She had nearly made it out the door when Matt stopped.  
  
Jeff saw his brother stop and turn and the panic he'd been holding back suddenly burst out of him. He had to get away from him. He had to. He couldn't be hurt like that again. He bolted upright and was out of the bed and running.  
  
When Matt saw Jeff suddenly scramble over the side of the bed and run, rational thought left him. There was no anger left. He was terrified. He had to stop him. He couldn't live with this. Jeff couldn't run from him.  
  
It all happened too fast for Amy. One minute she was guiding Matt out of the room and the next he was gone and Jeff was screaming.  
  
Adam saw Jeff run and moved to stop him, not quick enough for Matt, who intercepted Jeff on his way by. Both men were weak and the momentum knocked them both off their feet. To Adam's eyes, Matt was after Jeff again and he yanked him up by the first thing he could reach, his hair. Matt turned on him, eyes flashing, and screamed in his face. "You let me go!! You let go!!" He ripped his head away and scrambled after Jeff who was desperately trying to get to his feet. He caught him and dragged him close to him ignoring both Jeff's screams and Adam's attempts to pull him away.  
  
Matt was oblivious to the others in the room, even Adam's tugs and blows were something from another level. He was focused of Jeff. Jeff was afraid of him. He held the younger man in a death grip, unaware that he was frightening him more. He just couldnt let him go.  
  
Adam was powerless. He couldn't get Matt off of Jeff. He was close to losing control and seriously hurting him when Amy stepped in. She'd seen that Matt was in no way hurting or going to hurt Jeff but she was afraid that if the three of them kept struggling someone would end up hurt. She took Adam's arm firmly and pulled him away. He started to protest. "You cant." but Amy cut him off. "He's not gonna hurt him! Look! Just look!" He tore out of her grasp and started toward the boys but he did look and what he saw halted him in his tracks.  
  
"Matt, no! Let go! Please let go! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I don't know what I did. Please let me go. Please don't hurt me!" The flood of screams from Jeff were breaking Matt's heart. He wasn't going to hurt him. He'd never hurt him. He loved him. He didn't know what to do but he couldn't let him up. He had to make him see somehow that it was okay. That he hadn't meant it. He heard the cries from his brother and felt his eyes filling up. He didn't fight it. He couldn't but anger rose up in him again, this time at himself. He had done this. He had done this to Jeff. And now look at them.  
  
Matt sat up, still straddling Jeff's legs, but he released his arms. He looked heavenward, again that nearly silent mumble, and then bracing himself, he reached down and took hold of Jeff's head in both hands. He stopped his thrashing and shouted directly into his face. "Jeff, I'm not gonna hurt you! Stop! I'm not gonna do anything!" His shouts startled Jeff as had the sudden immobilization of his head and he stopped screaming and stared. His eyes rolled wildly. He was scared. He could feel his heart pounding. He had to make Matt let him go. He nodded frantically. "OK, Matt, OK. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please let me go. I won't tell anyone. Please. Please." Matt overrode him. "I'm not gonna do anything! Jeff I'm your brother!"  
  
At that, all of the steel in Jeff, and there was a great deal of it, rose up and the anger he'd been denying finally flooded him. The words "I'm your brother" were all it took. He sat up suddenly unbalancing Matt and got right back in his face. "I know! And look what you did to me!!! I didn't even do anything!!!" His fist shot out and connected with Matt's head knocking him to one side. Jeff never even stopped for breath. A moment later his hand flashed out again and this time he found a voice. "I never even did anything!! I was looking for you! Look what you did!! How could you do this?! How could you do this to me?! Look what you did!!" He was punctuating his words with blows and Matt was taking it, just letting it come. His hysteria had faded and he was drained. He deserved what Jeff was giving him and he accepted it numbly.  
  
***Please Review. More chapters to come!*** 


	7. Walls chapter 7

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE.  
  
Jeff was oblivious to the tears streaming down his flushed cheeks as he screamed and lashed out at Matt. Then as quickly as the outburst came, it faded. His hand weakly went for Matt one more time then it fell to his side. He was nearly hysterical now, choking on sobs, a wailing noise coming from somewhere deep in his throat. Matt instinctively wrapped his arms around Jeff's convulsing body and with as much strength as he could muster, he held Jeff to him. They sat rocking in each other's arms for a moment. The only noises were Jeff's sobs and the gentle whirring of machines. Matt closed his eyes and gently stroked Jeff's matted hair. Suddenly, with out any warning, Jeff pushed Matt away and tried to stand. Using the leg of a plastic chair for support, he slowly climbed to his feet swaying as a rush of nausea and dizziness hit him. "Don't," he said, his voice thick with tears. "Don't you even touch me." Jeff staggered over and sat on his bed facing the window staring out into the dark rainy night. His vision was blurred by the hot tears still falling uncontrollably from his eyes. "How can I forgive you for this?" he whispered so quietly that Matt had to strain to hear his small voice. "How can I? You're supposed to be there for me. You're supposed to." his chin trembled and he stopped as a fresh set of tears slid down his cheeks. Jeff closed his eyes and hung his head. "All I wanted to do was help you. All I wanted was my Matt back." He took a deep breath that shook when he let it out. Lifting his head, he looked at his brother who still sat on the floor. Matt couldn't move. He felt paralyze. Words pounded in his head but none would form and roll off his tongue. He wanted to tell Jeff that everything was going to be all right. That he would change. That things would go back to the way they once were before all this started. But somehow he couldn't bring himself to say them. So they sat. Both mute.  
  
After a few minutes of this, Adam crossed over to Jeff and slipped an arm around him. Jeff buried his face in his shoulder still crying and Adam did his best to comfort him stroking his hair and murmuring softly. Matt watched this, shattered. They were separate now. He wasn't part of them anymore. He climbed to his feet pulling up on the furniture, too drained and weak to make it on his own. He took one unsteady step toward the two on the bed but got no further. Adam saw him coming and flung out one hand, palm outward. "Don't. Just don't. Don't come anywhere near us. Just get out. Or don't you think you've done enough?" He was glaring at Matt, eyes full of contempt. Matt just shook his head helplessly. "Adam, I." Adam waved him off. "I don't care. Just get out." He turned his attention back to Jeff as if Matt no longer existed. Matt just stood there unable to move or to think until Amy finally took his arm and led him from the room.  
  
"Matt, look up here." Amy tipped his chin up a little to reach a small cut on his face. She spent the better part of an hour patching him up. Jeff had managed to do a fair amount of damage. She'd shooed the nurses out. She'd wanted him while he was still open before the walls came up again. "Matt, that was pretty bad, wasn't it?" She stated the obvious hoping that he'd start talking if he didn't have to think about it. He nodded and his eyes filled up again. "Yes." his voice was a whisper, "They hate me now don't they?" His eyes searched hers and she knew he wanted her to deny it. She couldn't. She continued her ministrations gently and kept her replies neutral. "I don't know that it's hate, Matt, do you think they should hate you?" He sighed bitterly, "Yes, I do. They have every reason." his voice broke and he stopped, struggling desperately to keep control. She took his hand and started on the gash he'd put in it pulling out the IV line. He winced a little and she stopped for a moment not wanting to hurt him any more than he already was. He watched what she was doing. "You know, I don't care if it hurts. Just do it. It doesn't matter." "Well, it matters to me." "Why?"  
  
She stopped surprised and it was a minute before she could answer him. The question had cut to her soul that he could even ask why she cared. "Matt." she fought tears, "Matt, you're my best friend. I love you. Nothing you could ever do." she lost the fight and tears began to fall. "I don't know how or why you did this and I don't understand how it happened...but I don't hate you. I hate myself for letting it happen, for not realizing, for letting you.." His hand clutching hers hard cut off her words. She looked at him and his eyes were flashing. "Don't you ever say that! Don't you ever say you hate yourself! You didn't do this! I did this! And I knew what I was doing! So don't you ever..." Unable to finish, he pulled away from her and slid down in the bed turning his back to her. She could see him shaking and knew he was crying. She let him be for a few minutes and then gently pulled him back over. "Matt, Jay told me the first time, you had no idea." He nodded. "I didn't. I just felt awful and he said it would help."  
  
"And did it?' He nodded. "Yeah, it helped a lot." She sat next to him on the bed gently running her fingers back and forth against his hand. "Matt, what was going on that you needed all that stuff? What was so bad?"  
  
His gaze was searching as if wondering if he could trust her. She kept contact making sure she never broke touch. He needed it. She needed it. He finally sighed and said what she had been hoping he'd say. "Amy, it doesn't matter what it was. It was a stupid thing to do and look how much it helped, right? I'm so sorry.you just don't know what I feel like right now." Amy shook her head. "No I don't. But I'd like to know how you feel." He sat up then and pulled her close to him resting his head on her shoulder. She held him gently waiting, knowing that right now it was just closeness he needed, that talking would come later. He sat with her like that finally feeling warm. Finally feeling safe. She still loved him. At least he still had her. He held her tightly not about to let her go and finally fell asleep there in her arms.  
  
***Thanks again for the reviews. Sorry for the short chapter. I'll try to post more soon.*** 


	8. Walls chapter 8

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE.  
  
Stepping out of Jeff's room into the bright hallway, Adam blinked a few times adjusting to the white lights. Slowly he made his way down the narrow passage way towards Matt's room. He dragged his feet and stopped every so often to glance at one of the many clipboards that hung on the outside of patient's doors. He didn't much care what they said. He was simply stalling. As he paused yet again, he heard a voice behind him. "Those are private you know. Doctors and nurses only."  
  
Adam quickly spun around and found himself looking into the stern face of an RN. "Oh, umm, I wasn't reading them. I was just.." He trailed off when he realized she wasn't buying his story. "Sorry," he muttered and began walking again. As he approached room 119, he paused outside the door for a moment. Adam certainly didn't want to go into Matt's room but Jeff had begged him to get Amy and he hadn't been able to resist that pleading look in his eyes. When he heard talking from within the closed door, he cocked his head hoping to hear what was being said. Amy was talking softly. So softly in fact he couldn't make out any words. They all ran together making almost a sweet humming sound. Adam closed his eyes and just listened. It was then that he realized that Amy was singing to Matt. So quiet, so sweet, the sound that it pulled at Adam's heart and for a minute he just stood swaying in the hallway. His peace was broken by another sound from within the room. Matt. Adam shook his head and all feelings that Amy's singing had given him vanished. He hesitantly opened the door to Matt's room and stepped inside. He felt a chill run down his spine and it caused his body to give a slight jolt. The room wasn't cold. It was in fact a little stuffy but Adam's teeth began to chatter and he had to clench his jaw to stop them. Crossing his arms, he stood silent watching Amy holding Matt, stroking his hair, and humming to him softly. She hadn't noticed Adam standing in the doorway until he cleared his throat.  
  
"Oh, Adam, I didn't realize you were there." Her words came out hushed. She didn't want to wake Matt. "I only came in a minute ago," Adam whispered. "How's Jeff?" "Okay, i guess. He's crying again. Can't seem to stop. He asked me to come get you. He's so worn out. I don't know what to do for him." Adam shook his head and dropped his gaze to the floor memorizing the stark tiles.  
  
Amy just closed her eyes wearily and nodded. She gently released Matt and stood, walking slowly toward the door. On her way, she stopped and briefly placed her hand on Adam's arm squeezing it gently and whispered, "Thank you, Adam," before she left, shutting the door behind her.  
  
Matt moaned in his sleep and Adam glanced up watching as his friend moved restlessly. He could see that even in sleep Matt was miserable. Adam closed his eyes and tried to block out the sounds of pain coming from his friend's bed. Something inside him desperately wanted to hate Matt, wanted Matt to be miserable, wanted Matt to suffer for what he had done to them, to Jeff. But something else, something that reached far deeper than the hatred that was blinding him, pleaded with God for Matt.  
  
Taking a deep breath, Adam turned to leave. He was afraid that if he stayed any longer, saw or heard anymore pain, he would lose his anger and he wasn't prepared to let it go that easily. He didn't realize that the anger was the only thing holding him together. He just knew he wasn't ready yet to let it go. As he stepped outside, he heard a weak voice calling for him.  
  
"Adam." Just the sound of Matt's voice cut through the sympathy that had been welling deep down tearing it to shreds and hatred consumed him once again. "What do you want?" he spat back at Matt. Adam turned and glared at Matt from the hall. "I.can we." Matt trailed off. He couldn't finish his sentence. Tears were threatening again and he didn't want to cry. Not with Adam. Adam stood there watching him. Deciding. He didn't really want to talk to him, but still. "You have five minutes," Adam informed Matt. He stood, arms folded, across the room from Matt's bed. There was nothing even remotely encouraging about his expression. His face said, "Yeah, talk. Just talk, and hurry up."  
  
Matt looked at that face and his heart sank. More than anything he wanted Adam to come over and sit with him and talk it out the way he always did. As long as he could remember, Adam had been the one he went to when things were bad. Things now were as bad as they could get and he needed Adam. Seeing how cold Adam looked now scared him. He didn't even need to talk, he decided. If Adam would just come over and sit with him.  
  
"You're time's running out, pal. Use it or lose it." Adam was tapping a foot now obviously impatient to go. "I just wanted to tell you that," Matt paused again wanting to regain control before he continued, "That I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never meant for any of this to happen. I love Jeff and I would never hurt him.I." Adam waved him away sneering. "Matt, that is such bullshit I cant even believe I'm listening to it," Adam shook his head and started for the door. "IT'S NOT BULLSHIT!" Matt shouted. He lost his fight and the tears came again. This time he didn't care. "LET ME TALK TO YOU!"  
  
Adam stopped, a bit surprised and more than a bit put out by Matt's outburst. "What could you possible say to me to change what you've done? Nothing. That's what. You can say you're sorry a million times but that doesn't change anything." Adam walked a few paces, his back towards the bed. "You know something," he turned and once again faced Matt, "You are always getting yourself into messes and I'm always the one to bail you out. You push it to the limit then come running to me for help. Well not this time. No way. You're on your own. I'm sick of this, Matt. I'm so tired of fighting and arguing and begging and you don't change. I...I just can't do it anymore, you know? I just cant. And you can just shut off the waterworks, Matt, cause I'm not buying it. Cry your head off, it's just a lie anyway. Everything about you is a lie. I don't even know you!" Adam had advanced on the bed, his voice raising with every word, until he was nearly screaming in Matt's face. Matt reached up quickly and took Adam's arm. Adam tried to yank away but Matt held him too tightly. "Adam, I need you to help me! Please?!" Adam's reaction was entirely knee jerk, he never even thought about it. He grabbed Matt's shoulders with both hands and shook him hard. "I tried to help you!" he shouted, "I tried and tried and you wouldn't let me! Why now, Matt?! Why now when its too late?!" He shoved him back onto the bed and sank down onto a chair. As quickly and violently as it had come, the fury drained out of him leaving him empty and weak. "Why now, Matt? Just because you feel bad? What about when you're better, what then?" He leaned forward, "What's to stop you from just doing it all again?! How do we ever trust you? Don't you realize what you did?!" He was rubbing his head absently. There was a pain starting just above his eye. "Matt, did you get a good look at him? Did you? How could you have done that? He trusts you! He loves you! He'd have never thought you could do that to him. Do you realize what you've done to him? It goes way beyond the bruises."  
  
Matt just looked at him. Words wouldn't come no matter how hard he tried. It was just as well because Adam couldn't stop and any response from Matt would have gone unheard. "He doesn't sleep you know because he dreams about it. Stop and think for a minute how he must feel! And me! All this time you pushed me away and refused to let me near you. You wouldn't let me help. You acted like you hated me and you put up all these walls around you. I knew something was wrong. I thought I knew what it was but I didn't dare say anything in case I was wrong. I'd hear you coughing and throwing up and I'd see how you looked and acted and I knew..but what could I do? I couldn't prove it. And poor Jeff. He just wanted the old you back so bad.." He stopped for a moment. The nagging pain had suddenly sharpened and sunk in. He dropped his head into his hand rubbing fiercely above his eye. "And on top of that, Matt, you nearly died!! First you about killed Jeff, who only ever trusted you! And then you tried to kill yourself!" His voice broke then and he had to struggle to stay calm. "Do you think I could live a minute if I lost you?! Either of you?! Do you?!"  
  
Matt finally found his voice and when Adam paused he nodded and interjected. "Now? Yeah. I do. Because you hate me. And I don't blame you." His voice was dull and empty sounding. He sighed deeply looking at Adam. He'd really hurt him. All of them. He hadn't meant it but did that mean it was something they could forgive him for? He started to say something about it to Adam but stopped short noticing how hard Adam was pressing his thumb against his eye. The wave of self pity that had begun to swell receded suddenly replaced with concern. He very gently took Adam's hand. "Adam, are you okay?" His voice was soft and the worry in it, the caring in it, finally broke the last wall of defense Adam was hiding behind. It had been so long since Matt had acted like he cared about anything. He looked up at him and tried to answer. "I'm okay. I have a headache started. It's.." His voice failed him then and suddenly he was crying, helpless to stop, and too undone to care.  
  
Matt stared. Adam didn't cry. He watched him for a moment, thinking. He'd wanted Adam to tell him it was okay. That he didn't hate him. That he was forgiven. He'd WANTED. He hadn't really cared. He had needed to hear the words. He'd been so busy feeling hurt that everyone hated him. He'd seen Jeff's tears, and his fear, and had felt himself die inside.for him. Not for Jeff. Just for him. All he'd felt was his own misery and his own guilt. Now, looking at Adam's silent tears, he felt that selfishness dissolve. This was Adam and Adam never cried, not in front of people and maybe not ever anywhere. He felt a huge ache inside him knowing that he'd caused this pain but this time the ache was for Adam. Not for himself. He watched his friend for a minute or two, debating. He wasn't sure Adam would accept being touched. He chewed his lip wondering if he'd be helping or hurting. Adam decided for him. He looked up and their eyes met. Tears streaming down his face nearly unable to speak, he choked out, "Matt, what're we gonna do? I just don't know what to do." his voice trailed off. He was crying harder now. Matt reached over, took his hand, pulled gently, and Adam slid over to sit on the bed with him. Matt hesitated a fraction of a second. He'd never been around Adam when he was like this but the hesitation was fleeting. He put his arms around Adam pulling him close. Adam never even thought about pulling away. He needed this. He simply laid his head on Matt's shoulder. He didn't say anything and he didn't bother to try to stop the tears. He couldn't. He let himself cry and he let his friend hold him. Whatever came next, well, that was later.  
  
Adam felt himself drifting and sat up quickly. He didn't want to fall asleep like this. He pulled himself gently out of Matt's embrace. Matt let him go instantly. He was too unsure of all this to push anything. Adam's flood of tears had let up a little while ago but he'd stayed where he was and Matt had thought maybe he'd fallen asleep. He smiled a little, usually this was the other way around it, and it was Adam trying to sooth him. A look at his friend wiped the smile away though. Adam looked terrible. His face was white and pinched and he was digging that thumb into his eye again. He reached for his hand. "Adam, what is it?" Adam shook his head. "Nothing. Just a headache. I think I have to go." He started to stand up but Matt pulled him back down. "Please don't, Adam. Why do you have to go?" Adam swallowed hard and waved Matt's hand off him. "S'not you. This headaches fixing to make me sick. I really better go." Matt nodded. He'd been through these headaches with Adam before. "Go where? Back to Jeff's room?" Adam looked at him and smiled slightly. "Good point. But if I stay you're gonna have to put up with listening to me throw up. You don't need that. God, I wish I could lie down somewhere."  
  
Matt pointed to the empty bed next to his. "I don't care what I have to hear, Adam, and I don't have anyone sharing the room. Just lie down there." Adam raised his eyebrows. "Oh no. You never sit on or touch one of their unused beds. No way. They have like six fits cause they have to like sterilize it all over again." His face registered what he thought of that little rule. Matt didn't care. He knew how these things went and he knew that if Adam didn't lie down and sleep maybe he'd be able to head off the worst of it. He sat back, arms crossed, and thought about it. "Adam, can you get Amy to take you back to the hotel?" Adam nodded but made a face, "Riding wont be my friend though, Matt, really. You know what? If they don't like it, they can just fuck off." Matt laughed a little shocked at the swear. Adam didn't usually talk like that. He nodded approval as Adam stretched out on the other bed. He didn't think he'd be there for long. His face had taken on a decidedly greenish tinge but at least he had someplace to rest for now. Matt watched him for a little, knowing that if it got really bad, Adam would disappear into it and not be able to function at all. "Hey, Adam." he got no answer and repeated himself a bit louder, "Hey! Adam!" Adam cracked open an eye. "What?" "Did you take something for that? Before it kicks your butt?" Adam shook his head, "don't have anything here." "Well it's a hospital, for god sake, ask for something!" Adam laughed. "It doesn't work that way, Matt, don't worry. It'll go away." He turned onto his side so he could see Matt. "It's nice to hear you sounding like you again. I'm really sorry about all this." Matt snorted, "Yeah sure what have you got to be sorry for?" Adam's face went serious. "Matt, I kinda knew what was going on. I should've said something to someone. I was so worried about getting you into trouble if I was wrong. I guess it's kind of my fault." Matt was out of bed in a flash and in his friend's face. He took him by the arms hard and only barely managed not to just shake him. "Don't you ever say that! Not ever! You had nothing to do with this! This was me! All me! Adam, I swear by all that's.."  
  
Adam cut him off. "Matt, let go." His voice was quiet and the very softness stopped Matt's ranting. "I know what you're saying but you're my friend and it's up to me to look out for you. You won't change how I feel. So don't try. But I'm glad you said it. Now go back to bed. You don't look so good." Matt's eyebrows went up at that. "I don't look so good? You should see yourself. But you're right, I'm going." He climbed back into bed and settled himself in. He felt better than he had in a long time.  
  
Matt had started to doze when he heard Adam get up. Wondering if he was leaving, he opened his eyes relieved to see he was only going in the bathroom. His relief became worry when he heard Adam throwing up. He sighed. It went with the migraine. He knew that but he also knew how much Adam hated it. He glanced up at the IV tubing snaking into his hand and made a face. It would be a real pain to get up. He'd wait to see if Adam would come out soon. If he didn't, he supposed he could find a way to untangle himself and go help him out. He waited, watching the clock. The sounds of sickness he was hearing began to be shot through with mumbles. Adam was talking to himself and he didn't sound happy. Matt sighed and began unsnarling the tubing.  
  
Adam never heard Matt come in. He did all he could do to hold himself up and was grateful when a supporting arm was suddenly around him. He let himself relax a little but it didn't help much. The pain in his eyes was beginning to wipe out the world. He'd stopped noticing the nausea some time ago. On some level he knew he was throwing up but he really didn't care. He hurt too much to care. He heard Matt speaking to him but he didn't understand anything he said. It was all a meaningless blur. Matt saw how out of it Adam was almost at once. He was right in the middle of the thing.  
  
He knew his friend was probably too far gone to answer but he gave it a try. "Adam! Adam, look at me now! C'mon. I just need to know what you want me to do." Adam mumbled something unintelligible, dug a hand into his eye, and started gagging again. Matt sighed. This was bad. He climbed to his feet finding he had to hold onto the sink to do it and raised his voice somewhat. "I'm going to get Amy. Adam! I'm going to get Amy, okay?!" Again a faint mumble. Matt shook his head, worry etched into his face, and started down the hall to find Amy.  
  
***Thanks the great reviews! Keep them coming!*** 


	9. Walls chapter 9

Disclaimer: Once again I do not own any WWE superstars nor do I own the WWE.  
  
Matt padded down the hallway. His feet, only in socks, were chilled by the cold tiles. Stopping at Jeff's door, he knocked once then let himself in. Amy and Jeff were sitting up on his bed looking at a book.  
  
"Amy," Matt whispered, sorry he had to interrupt. But Adam needed Amy and that couldn't wait.  
  
"Matt, you should be in bed," Amy said as she looked at Matt who was supporting himself by leaning against the doorframe.  
  
"Adam's sick. He needs you. He's still in my room."  
  
Amy gave him a surprised look. "Adam's sick? What's the matter?"  
  
"He's got another headache. Really bad one. It's making him sick." Matt gave Amy an urgent look.  
  
"Oh no, not again." Amy hurriedly got up and set the book on Jeff's table. "Matt, you get back to bed," she said as she made her way out of the room.  
  
Matt looked up at Jeff who was staring at his brother intently. Matt couldn't read his younger brother's face. Jeff was looking at Matt in a curious way almost as if he was an oddity that he was seeing for the first time and didn't quite know what to make of him. Their eyes locked and for a moment an unspoken challenge was made. Who would look away first? Finally Matt knew that if something wasn't said soon he would burst.  
  
"They served me that yucky soup too," Matt said just as Jeff opened his mouth and began to speak.  
  
Matt gave a nervous chuckle, "You go first," he offered.  
  
"Is Adam ok?" Jeff asked again.  
  
Matt sighed, his laughter fading. "I hope so. Those stupid headaches he gets are so bad. Amy will help him though."  
  
"Yeah," Jeff said quietly. He picked up the spoon that lay in his soup bowl and absently stirred at the film that settled on top of the creamy substance. Making a disgusted face, he set the spoon down and sighed. "This food sucks. I just want.what was that?" Jeff looked over at Matt whose head was hung.  
  
Matt glanced up and repeated himself. "I said I'm sorry," he whispered.  
  
Jeff's eyes took his brother in. From across the room he could see the bloodshot eyes, the black and blue bags underneath, how his arm shook as it held him up against the door. He looked away, afraid to see his brother like this. Matt looked like an old man. "I know," Jeff whispered back.  
  
"I never meant for things to get like this. I never meant to hurt anyone, especially not you, Jeff. I love you. I hate myself for what I've done to you. To us."  
  
"Matt, I." Jeff trailed off. He didn't really know what to say. A part of him wanted to believe his brother, wanted this so badly it hurt. But another part, just a small part, wasn't sure if he could ever trust Matt again. He just couldn't comprehend how someone who said they loved him could hurt him so badly. Jeff wasn't angry anymore. That rage had left him the instant his fist had last connected with Matt's head. But he was sad. Sad that things were probably never going to be the same ever again. They might make up and go back to hanging out and having fun. But that knowledge that Matt had hurt him would still be there lingering and Jeff knew that no matter what he would never be able to let that go.  
  
"Jeff, I love you. I..Jeff, you don't have to be afraid. I wasn't." he broke off, his eyes pleading with Jeff. He didn't know what to say. He was just so tired. He leaned his head against the doorframe and shut his eyes for a minute. He knew he should leave but he needed to catch his breath first.  
  
Jeff saw Matt shut his eyes and slump against the door. For a moment, afraid he thought he'd just passed out there. He sat forward, worried. "Matt!" Matt opened his eyes. "Sorry. I'm gonna go now." He stepped away from the door and immediately grabbed for the wall, dizzy. He laughed a little. This was crazy. He was too tired to breathe. He jumped a little when a hand took his arm. He looked down and saw Jeff holding more than a little of his weight looking worriedly at him. "Matt, you better sit down. Are you really supposed to be up walking around? You look really gross." Matt snorted. "Thanks, so do you. No, I'm not." He let himself be led across the room and was more than a little surprised when Jeff gestured to him to sit on the bed. He did as he was told, too dizzy and tired to argue and Jeff climbed up next to him. He was staring into Matt's face with an intensity that made Matt distinctly uncomfortable. He backed up a little. "Jeff, what? Stop it."  
  
Jeff looked down, suddenly feeling shy and awkward. He had so much he wanted to say but he didn't know where to start. He sighed and glanced up at his brother who was fiddling around with the tubing in his hand. He watched Matt pinch the tubing and his eyes widened when he saw some of his brother's blood back up into the clear channel. Matt let it go and watched it disappear and then did it again. Jeff's eyes lit up. "Cool! Matt, that's like so gross! Does it hurt?" Matt laughed, "No, it doesn't. I get bored, you know." Jeff was staring intently at Matt's hand. "Do that again. How high up the tube can you get it to go?" Matt smiled. "I got it all the way up to here," he indicated a spot halfway up his arm, "before I got caught and yelled at once. They don't like it much." "It won't hurt you, will it?" Matt shook his head. "No, I don't think so."  
  
They fell silent again, each of them searching himself for the right words. They weren't fooling themselves with the small talk. They each knew they were putting it off.  
  
Matt had been avoiding really looking at Jeff but now he made himself focus. He had done it after all. Looking at Jeff he again felt that huge ache settle into his soul. How could Jeff even stand to sit near him? He took inventory of what he'd done feeling his spirits sink lower every second. Jeff's face was very nearly unrecognizable. Both eyes were black and one was swollen nearly shut. His whole face was swollen really and riddled with little cuts and raw looking spots where the skin was gone. His lip was split and puffy. Looking closer Matt saw livid marks on the boy's neck that appeared to have been made by fingers and felt horror flood through him. "Oh my God. Did I have him by the throat?" He let his gaze wander to the boy's arms and saw more handprints where he'd been literally shaking him. He looked up into Jeff's eyes, his question unspoken but instantly understood.  
  
Jeff gazed back at him for a moment and then pulled up the top of his pajamas so Matt could see the rest. Matt sighed bitterly, seeing the rainbow of bruises on his brother's body. Worse than that was the bandaging circling his chest. He glanced up, questioning, and Jeff nodded solemnly and pulled his top back down. "You busted a couple of ribs, Matt." Matt nodded. He could feel himself getting ready to cry again and desperately wanted not to. He didn't speak. He couldn't. Not yet.  
  
Jeff waited. He didn't know what would happen now but Matt was here and now Matt knew. He watched his brother fighting tears and felt his own starting. He didn't care. He'd cried so much over the last day or two that he barely noticed. He cared more about what Matt was thinking. He didn't want to admit it but part of him was still afraid Matt would just go off and start pounding on him again. He wondered if he'd ever stop feeling that. He was still thinking along those lines when Matt's hand came at him.  
  
Matt froze when he saw Jeff suddenly flinch away from the hand he'd reached out. He pulled his arm back and this time he couldn't blink away the tears. They spilled over and he let them. He hadn't been going to hit him. He'd just wanted to touch him. He shook his head and when he spoke his voice was thick, "Jeff, no, I.I wasn't gonna hurt you. Jeff." He stopped, not knowing what to say. He knew he couldn't make Jeff trust him.  
  
Jeff nodded. He knew. He'd just been startled. But it had gone far enough. He sat forward and firmly took his brother's arms. He looked directly into Matt's eyes, refusing to look away and finally voiced the question everyone had been holding in. He asked it calmly this time, not in the grip of hysteria and this time he expected an answer.  
  
"Matt, why? Why'd you do this?" Matt felt trapped by Jeff's stare. He couldn't look away.  
  
Amy didn't really notice that Matt hadn't come back. She'd had all she could do to get Adam up off of the bathroom floor and back into bed. He hadn't meant to be uncooperative. He was simply in too much pain to really respond. Worry for him and an ensuing fight with a nurse over using the spare bed, "You know you're not putting anyone in here anyway. What does it matter?" had diverted her attention from the delayed arrival of Matt. Further argument with medical staff over getting something for Adam's migraine had further eaten up her attention. She was disgusted with them. The poor guy was in so much pain he couldn't even speak coherently and they had asked her if she had a Tylenol in her purse she could give him. She'd insisted that someone come in and look at him and even then they resisted doing anything about it. Her frustration over their lack of action had been mediated somewhat by the look on the woman's face when Adam had suddenly thrown up on her feet. Proud of him and biting her lip to keep from laughing, she'd whispered, "Go, Adam, good job," gently poking him in the arm. He'd smiled faintly and mumbled back, "Well y'do what you have to." Now, with Adam sleeping off the compazine they'd given him, as well as the headache, she sat back and propped her feet up on Matt's bed. It took a few minutes for it to sink in that his bed was empty. Empty? Where could he have gone? It came to her then that she had left him in Jeff's room. She jumped to her feet, "oh no," on her lips and took off down the hall to see what sort of eruption had occurred in her absence.  
  
She stopped just outside Jeff's door. Chris, who had just arrived, was standing there gazing pensively into the room. He waved her over and pointed. She looked in, expecting the worst, and was nearly knocked off her feet. Matt and Jeff were sound asleep, their arms wrapped around one another, cheeks pressed together. Both faces were tearstained but both boys were sleeping peacefully. She glanced at Chris who looked as baffled as she felt. He pulled her a little ways out of the doorway, not wanting to wake them. "I don't want to leave him in there alone with Jeff. But I don't want to move him either." He shrugged helplessly.  
  
She nodded. "Want to stay in here, or with Adam?" It disturbed her that neither of them trusted Matt alone with Jeff but there it was. She knew Chris would choose to go sit with Adam. He was so furious with both Matt and Jeff that he could barely see straight. As she had known, Chris started off down the hall, turning once to ask, "Why does someone need to sit with Adam?" She pointed to her forehead and his face fell. "Okay, I'm going. Is he over the worst of it?" She nodded and went into Jeff's room. She lightly brushed errant strands of hair out of the sleeping men's faces and with a guilty glance out the door, stretched out on the extra bed. Within minutes, all in the room were dreaming.  
  
***Review for more!*** 


	10. Walls chapter 10

***A/N Sorry for the long wait! We've had so many visitors over the holidays. Then out of the blue I have to fight the worst case of the flu I've ever had! I finally feel good enough to post so here goes.***  
  
Disclaimer: I am not associated with nor do I own anything having to do with the WWE.  
  
Jeff tried to climb into the car but it wasn't working well for him. He hurt everywhere, more than he had in the hospital. His ribs hurt so badly he'd needed help getting his shirt on. He couldn't manage to get his arms through the sleeves. He'd felt like such a baby needing help to get dressed and now he thought he might need help to get in the car. He felt tears pricking his eyes and scowled, mad at himself. All he did was cry lately. It was disgusting. He was too old for that. He looked back at Matt who was waiting for Jeff to get out of his way so he could get in. No help there, Matt looked about ready to keel over himself. He was leaning against Chris as if he had completely forgotten how to stand on his own. Jeff finally gave up and reached out his hand. "Hey, Adam, help me." Adam already in the car looked up and smiled slightly. "You're getting old, Jeff. C'mon." He took the Jeff's hand and pulled him into the car causing Jeff to screech slightly at having to bend that much. Adam's eyebrows went up at the sound. "You okay, Jeff?" Jeff nodded. Yeah. Sore. Better than him." He nodded at Matt who was still leaning against Chris. Matt had a bad couple of days. The last of the Valium had worn off and he felt awful.  
  
Things just didn't look right. He had little lapses between his eyes and his brain, it felt like. Turning his head made things kind of jump around and it was annoying and vaguely sickening. Top it off, his moods were jumping around worse than his vision was. One minute he felt better, next minute he wanted to die. They told him it would all wear off but his nerves were fraying fast. He felt a gentle nudge from Chris and got into the car with a sigh. They were letting him ride shotgun because the people at the hospital had told him that he'd probably get sick riding. They were so sure in fact that they'd insisted he take a basin with him just in case. Chris figured he'd have a better chance of avoiding it if he sat in the front. He didn't have high hopes. He felt pretty nasty just sitting here. He didn't want to think what would happen when they started moving. He locked his door and leaned the side of his head against the window. He was just too tired. He felt a reassuring pat on his shoulder and reached back and took Adam's hand. Adam had been pretty nice to him the past day or so. He seemed to feel bad about the whole thing but not mad anymore. Matt was glad. He'd been having a lot of trouble dealing with Adam not seeming to like him. He hoped Adam really was feeling better about him. He let his hand rest loosely on Adam's and let himself doze.  
  
Adam was indeed feeling better about Matt. He'd had a lot explained to him about all that had happened by about a dozen of the doctors who'd been poking and prodding his friend. They'd made him feel better sort of because they'd assured him that Matt was still the same Matt he had been. That the attack on Jeff hadn't been personal. It had been chemical. They'd also explained the fight Matt was going to have, to stay away from the stuff. They'd told him that Matt was far from physically a drug addict but he'd been using the stuff to hide behind and that he'd need help not falling into that again. It had made Adam feel very protective of Matt knowing that. He wasn't sure why but he wasn't mad at him anymore. Instead his heart went out to him. He wished he could take it away for him. Sighing a little, he sat back letting his hand fall off of Matt's shoulder. He was tired.  
  
None of them mentioned the thing that was on all their minds. The thing that was putting such a weight on them. They didn't say it but they were all thinking about it. They were going home. None of them wanted to. But there it was. The decision had been made. For now at least, WWE was a thing of the past. It was over. Whatever backlash came would be dealt with by professionals whose job it was to take care of such hassles. The boys were going home. Amy had left earlier in the day because she wasn't feeling well and had offered to take Adam with her but he had declined.  
  
Chris started the car, glancing around at the guys. Jeff was squirming around trying to find a comfortable position and he looked ready to cry. Chris shook his head. Jeff wasn't doing real well. He wished he'd thought to give the poor guy some Tylenol or something before they'd packed it. He shifted his gaze to Matt who was leaning against the window for all the world as if he were jello. His fingers rested limply against the bowl he was holding. Chris sighed. He knew he was going to get sick. He just knew it. He at least hoped he'd say something in time for them to let him out. Adam had leaned forward between the seats and reached out to shift the car into gear. "Chris, we can't sit here all day. Want me to drive?" He was kidding but Chris very nearly said yes. "I think I can handle it. If you don't mind that is." He pulled out into traffic hoping this ride wouldn't be too nightmarish.  
  
Twenty minutes later they were stopped on the side of the road, Adam holding onto Matt who'd begun throwing up ten minutes ago and hadn't managed yet to stop. Adam was getting scared. It was all he could do to hold Matt up. This attack was so violent. He looked frantically at Chris who had his hands full with Jeff who'd begun to cry when Matt got sick and had rapidly slipped into hysteria. Chris was desperately trying to calm him down, leaving Adam to keep Matt on his feet.  
  
Matt felt like he was being ripped apart. The nausea just wasn't backing off even though there wasn't a thing left in him. He was beginning to think he'd never breathe again and he was having a terrible time not being thrown right to the ground. He was clutching Adam in a very panicky grip afraid if he let go he'd just die. A few minutes later as suddenly as it had hit, the sickness stopped leaving him winded and shaking. Adam held him gently letting him catch his breath and recover a little. Matt finally looked up, first at Jeff who's hysterical crying was finally tapering off, and then into Adam's eyes. Memory suddenly slammed into both of them standing on the side of the road waiting for control to return of a different car ride to a different airport. They had never dreamed then what would happen. They had all been very different people then.  
  
~three years previous~ "Jeff, cut it out!" "We're going to New York! We're going to New York!" "I have to go to the bathroom." "You went before we left the house." "I know but I have to go again."  
  
Matt leaned back against the seat and smiled. His friends' pointless bantering fell upon deaf ears. All he could think about was getting to New York and performing. Matt watched as the empty country roads of North Carolina landscape raced by. It would soon be replaced by the huge building of the city. As he drifted in and out of daydreams he vaguely felt something hit him in the head but instead of getting mad like he normally would, he simply laughed. He was in to good a mood to let anything wreck it.  
  
Adam noticed the dreamy look on Matt's face and laughed. Leaning over the set he whispered, "You as excited as I am?"  
  
Matt beamed. "This is gonna be so great, isn't it? I mean living in hotels, performing almost everyday, photo shoots. Amazing. It's gonna be amazing."  
  
"Amazing," he whispered to himself. The thought sent a thrill through him and he shivered with delight.  
  
As the airport loomed in front of them, Matt's heart thudded with anticipation. He was ready for the best time of his life.  
  
The End?  
  
***Review and let me know what you thought. I am currently working on the sequel called Roads. Look for the first chapter to be posted within the next 2 weeks. Thanks!*** 


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